this searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
we hope we hope for love
for love to somehow fill a void within us, within me.
we seek, keep our lives busy with all the mundane things
that are meant to keep us living
like food, love, relationships, a job.
within all this,
i still find zero content.
maybe for a while, maybe for a bit.
but at the end of the day, week or hour
it comes down to this.
right now right here right in this moment,
i am unhappy.
and i'm not sure how to fix it without running away
without all my little fixes like alcohol, a few cigarettes.
home. where are you?
Monday, November 7, 2011
tomorrow (well later today) I meet with an ex heroin user (on and off) and ex prison inmate.
It's funny how I feel a little apprehensive about it but mainly okay. I'm more worried about how the conversation flows and taking photographs and how it proceeds than my danger of being in the situation.
I only really ever contemplate danger when others point it out to me. Hm. I'm not sure if that is a a good thing or not..
I try to believe that people are ultimately good. and if I'm good to them, they will be good back.
That's how I feel anyway. I'm hoping it will go well and it be a folio shoot....
I'm just fretting. I have less than 2 weeks and barely anything to show for the entire semester.
and I know i am to blame for it. Fuck depression.
also, i wonder how much danger i would push myself to get pictures...
if anything happens though, I just want to be grateful today that I do have people that care about me and love me enough to worry about me meeting with potential danger. (even if I don't care about it)
:) post later x
Thursday, October 27, 2011
i'm struggling a little bit here. I haven't been getting more than 5-6 hours of interrupted sleep a night. Folio is due in 4 weeks and i haven't got a single clue of what to shoot or where or what not. I have to figure out something that's easily accessible and not lame...
I'm bit worried you know? Things have been falling apart and my mind is not resting. I've been dreaming each night (and it takes a lot out of me when I dream) My mind gets up immediately like someone turn on a switch button.
I'm worrying about things out of my control - I need to breathe and let it see through its course. But fuck, subconsciously I just wake up. it gets in my dreams, and it's going to be like this for the next 4 weeks....
its 5am and I've been awake since 4am and I only fell asleep at 1am.
I want to do good, i'm 20 but i feel like this is my time. I want to jump head in and just somehow earn money through photography........
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I'm feeling very caught in between. Being a photographer more specifically a photojournalist is one of my greatest aims - I want to make a difference in this world, and not just in a normal way. I have a drive, it's an instinct that I have to do something greater. I met these 3 photojournalists and it is SO good to meet people who have the same drive and the same instinct and yet be so completely normal and easy going. (And they are pretty big photographers too on their way into something great - working for the AP Press, the Times.. etc)
There's something quite content that if they can make it - so can I. I just have to work harder and I'm only twenty. I am young but I feel I can be good at this. I just know that I have to work so much harder than anyone else.
I write this blog mainly so I can look back shift through my thoughts and it is all jsut a learning process. Growing each day, Learning each day it is a good feeling.
What prompt me to write this is that lately I've encounter a lot of the people I've known for many years of my life either get married, settle down and have babies. I'm not dismissing it but parts of me desires to do this. To have a simple life
I know deep down that if this happens, i won't ever jsut be satisfied with my job title of a "mother" I have to be something more. A documentarian, photojournalist.etc.
I'm afraid that I'll lose hope, and somewhere along the line just settle...
I want to do good. I hope to do good. I just am afraid I might fail or that if I do try, i'll fail anyway...
I guess I should listen to one of the patients.. She said "If you don't have a go, you won't know. If you don't know, you won't ever go"
She also reminded me to slow down and don't forget the little moments.
It's something I have to learn..
random thoughts regarding hospice
I went to the hospice and talk to the patients for the first time today. There is such hope and yet such isolation. I want to do something big, good for them and for me but I feel so completely overwhelmed. This project is going to be my toughest yet and I'm going to cry, laugh and be exhausted and burnt out but It is going to be good.
I came home after a 5 hour visit and I'm feeling quite sad. I'm not sure why but there is a bit of guilt. I feel melancholy but pintpoint the exact reason..
The patients I met today were a few of the lucky ones. I say lucky because they have family that care and is close by. They are lucky in that sense. Love surrounds them.
And I think at the end of the day, that is what keeps them going. And I hope that when I do die, it be the same. And if it isn't, I hope that the work I am doing now and will be doing in the future leaves some sort of mark and makes someone feel. Because it is so important to feel - it is what makes us human.
I'm struggling between whether I'm feeling so much and if it will interfere with my work. one of the photojournalist said to me to use it as inspiration because it will show through the photos if I do feel for my subjects..
And it is so hard being a photographer sometimes.
There is so much to feel and it is overwhelming. I needed to breathe, take a moment and reorganize my thoughts.
There is such a battle in me between my personal beliefs and what is installed in me through my culture and through society. I'm trying to fight because I know in the end, this is good. this is life, I should embrace it. good, bad and the difficult moments.
and that is how I try to see through every situation. Whether or not I agree with it, it is still life - in the weirdest forms, or strangest places. There is still a sense of normality for them.
i realise what a private person I am. maybe that's why I look for private places to photograph - I wish I was better with words. I wish I could write up a beautiful statement but for now my mind is muddled up and this is just for me anyway...
i've been having dreams with the hospice 4 days in a row now..
first one: my mother died in one and i remember waking up crying. it was so real...
a few others were just kinda my stress and nervousness coming out - paranoia... of not being able to get access, of missing my shot, of being told off, etc etc. Just constant battle within me.
I'm trying not to think TOO much when I'm breathing and awake but when I sleep, it gets caught up and I feel so exhausted already.
i feel this puts a major line between the people I know who are my age and the people I know in the industry...
i'm only 20. *breathe*
Monday, October 17, 2011
it's time to throw myself into work... again. I found that work is a distraction. I'm hoping that least if i don't have any relationships, the success in my work will be enough.
Probably won't though.
but least it's some sort of motivation to be better than this.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
a thought popped into my head a couple of weeks ago. A thought I never thought I wanted to do but now it keeps recurring and the more I think about it, the more I feel this is right.
I'm interested in stories. but it's always OTHER people's stories. strangers, acquaintances, people I am not related to.
I'm interested in death. In why people chose to die and what thoughts, regrets, moments that people cherish before they die or when they know they're approaching death. Would they change? Would people prefer to know when their time is up or would they prefer to wait it out knowing it's coming?
I think this hits me more than ever because my own father I know is approaching death. And the more I feel about photographing a hospice, or pallative care. The more I know, it is actually more of a preparation for when it is time for my dad to pass.
And.... i didnt realise how sick that thought is "to prepare myself emotionally for my own father's death" wow. what a great daughter I am.
I guess, it would only be fitting if I moved back to Malaysia and spend a little time with my dad, alone. Photographing what little moments He has and as well as little moments I never got to see. And the more I think about this, the more I feel is right.
even though I tend to avoid photographing my own stories, or my own family.... i feel this is something I should really do before I missed out....
maybe it would help me to face my own demons..
interesting thought isnt it?
going back to what is supposedly my birth country and supposedly meant to be where I hail from......
even though I never call it that and I don't have any association with it besides my passport.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
it's hit me.
relationships has it selfish moments.
It's that decision between your career or your relationship
Time for your friends/family or time for him/her
and it's because we can't have everything, there is always a need to balance.
so where do we place ourselves within this line ? Where does our priorities lie?
Recently, I received an email from my dad. And it's one of his usual emails, his disappointment in himself his regrets in not spending time with us when we were younger. Not having a family etc.
After a while, it gets rather tiresome. For my dad, his priority has always fallen within work/himself. But Nearly 50 years down the line, he realised that was wrong. It should have been within the family.
Maybe I'm headed the same path: putting my career before me/my relationships. But in my defense though, my career isn't just for me. It's goals aren't making money: it's about helping people who can't help themselves. It's about bringing some sort of greater awareness to the world: a minor change for the better.
There's always a separation between being a photographer and your personal life.
For me, being a photographer is my life. And I often don't understand how there is a separation. I suppose that kinda falls into between categories: documentation/everything else.
I'm trying to create a bridge between "my life/my projects": for me, photographing people that are close to me are the hardest. Documenting what I go through is difficult I suppose that is mainly why I document people's stories: not my own.
This I know is a fear I must face.
On another random note, I have come to realize that my relationship is falling apart. Perhaps there's too much junk in the middle that's building up this wall of complete and utter rubbish. But it's still a wall. A wall that we are building between us. A wall of shit and selfish actions (from both parties)
I feel like I'm just crawling through this. I also realize through this, how alone I really am.
And I need to somehow be okay with that. ( i thought I was, evidently not)
Like always though, I'll find a way. (i just thought for once, I had someone to rely on)
Disappointment is a bitch.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
edgy feelings are starting to arise again.
today I looked through my phone contact list and it hit me hard that there isn't really a single person I can call in the middle of the night for an emergency. Not a person that lives within distance anyway.
I'm not sure if it's all the sex and the city episodes I've been watching but I'm feeling awfully lonely. Usually I have a boy to take my mind off that fact but I'm starting to lose it a little.
I always dislike that when your closest friends gain a boy, you somehow lose them to that boy. It's strange how life revolves around love most of the time.
Then again, I can't be the best judge because if my boy was here, I would be spending all my time with him.
are we perhaps meant to be lonely till we found our other half?
friends, job, work, hobbies are they just time-fillers?
this is a time filler.
why do i feel so guilty for taking time off...?
i miss you and i just want you here.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
love is a tough path we choose to take. i really hate my need for be loved once I choose to be in a relationship. Before that, that whole "chase stage" Its okay because I don't ever expect anything. It's only when you have expectations, you get disappointments. And sometimes you expect the impossible.
I'm normally fine with being alone. I'm a drifter. I drift through life viewing it in stages and knowing that this stage will soon pass and when it does, i will have no long term affiliations to it. I am grateful for the people that are in that stage of life that I've come across.
I don't think me as a "norm" human being brings any presence to a group of "norm" people. I guess this is the fundamental person to why I photograph outside the norm society. I feel so comfortable because I am not "norm" I take things too seriously, I am unable to feel relax because I feel there so much in this world... I rather be doing than be there.
Because I know If I was in Libya photographing the riots/chaos, and I might be starved, dirty, detained, etc. I rather be there than be with a bunch of people that talk about what they did on the weekend. [I don't mean to sound so bitchy but.... ]
I guess the reason why I don't rely on anyone or make friends easily or even if I do, it's tough for me be dependent is because they let you down eventually. and it hurts.
so I shouldn't complain that I have no one to talk to when I do need someone. It's because I don't let anyone near me.
and it's really tough when the one person that you do, you can't talk to because he is struggling himself and you're trying to be the very best you can be for him and it is oh so tough. you're struggling and he is struggling too.
I don't think I'm very strong emotionally to handle this for the both of us but I'm going to try. And I hope you pull through so you can take over when I crash.
I think this is the final test of this relationship.
I also think it kinda sucks that relationships can only end in two ways: marriage or breakup
I guess we'll see how this goes.
16 days till folio is due and I have
2 studio shoots
2 mentor assignment
1 multimedia. (folio)
can it get any worse?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
these are the things I learn constantly over and over again:
1. Never, ever, ever, in your right mind think that you can rely on another human being.
2. Be independent, completely independent. This means:-
a) don't ask for help or even organize to share responsibilities with anyone.
b) don't ever let yourself break down due to someone's else treatment of you
c) don't ever feel like it's a bad thing that you're alone.
d) keep yourself at a distance from others
e) don't fall in love, because this defies all the rules above.
in other words, be a fucking hermit and make sure you can do everything because no one else in this entire world gives a shit about what you do. whether you fail or pass. It's absolutely nothing.
Monday, May 16, 2011
i am a heartless bitch.
i'm about to lose the love of my life.
i can't believe the things I do - it all seems so blurry, like a dream, a nightmare.
for some reason, I am not feeling anything.
I think it's a defense I've created.
When it would hurt so bad, I don't feel.
but i know it will come in slow steps and when it does, i fall so hard into a pity hole.
it's my fault though, it is the consequence of what I did.
i wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me. and start afresh with me.
i am such a complete idiot.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
i feel like I'm mourning the death of something,
I'm not sure what it could possibly be but something died.
and i'm really feeling it.
its winter, it's cold.
Winter only makes me miss you more. It's going to be a harsh 6 months...
can't wait till 2011 is completely over.
Friday, April 8, 2011
because the people you expect to be there
when your world is falling apart
they don't give a flying fuck.
selfish by nature
why am i even alive
absolutely defies everything i believe in
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I apologise for my recent half-arse attempts to blog - (refer to the two sentences in the previous 2 posts haha!)
How can I explain where I am at this particular moment in my life. The scene that surrounds me in my room is - my camera bag sitting on the ground from last night. All my power boards being used to charge up flash batteries, camera batteries. My iPhone plugged into my computer because I have no more spare outlets to charge it. 4 memory cards & a usb reader on my table side. My pretty little dress waiting to be washed - and it reeks of alcohol from Friday night.
Today - another shoot, sometimes I'm not sure why I shoot but I do anyway, as boring or mundane the job can be, I shoot anyway. I try to get something out of it, like potential make up artists that could collaborate for the future, an Indian lady wanting formal portraits for her family, etc etc. Perhaps today will let me learn something new. A community event, hm.
I have three (or four..) projects on the go at the moment. All of them kinda halted. - gaining access is a tad annoying. THis blog is dead the end lol :)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
exactly how i feel right now. I'm having my first breakdown due to university stress and its only 2 weeks in. This is going to be the longest year of my life.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Sorry, rant ahead. It is 1am, and I've just pretty much gone through my accounts/expenditure for the last week. It's ridiculous how much I've spent and knowing I've earn nearly 4 grand in 3 months and yet have less than 30% to show for it. Camera equipment, that's what. :( I am seriously broke. I'm bitter sometimes that people don't realize what a grief having money problems is because they have parents that pay for everything, uni fees + spending fees even. It's been so long since my mother gave me allowance let alone money to pay for necessary stuff.
Some days, I just want to sleep in all day and night and do nothing, but that's impossible. I have deadlines to meet, and I'm running so behind on sleep, and cash, it's starting to worry me a lot. I hate going out sometimes because of the money I'm spending, so I stay home and work which is also a worry because I get stressed out to the point I have to take a day off to do nothing (but then I get worked up over it because I felt like I have achieved nothing.... its a constant cycle)
Also, I'm sick of always making the effort in friendships. Fuck friendships, I don't understand why I'm upset over this. I mean, I've been through it once so why did I expect more from this person. Shrugs, whatever. Life is meant for moving on so I am going to keep going, lose friends, make more friends, etc.
at some point in my life though, I know due to my career and constant rush of deadlines and simply inconvenience, I know I will have no friends, and I need to be okay with that. I'm still on a learning curve, it's getting there. I think it's worth it for the people I do meet along the way, the people that need care and love through what I do, not for the people that come running to you as a last resort.
Okay, that's enough. Sleep for 6 hours and it's up again. what am i even doing on...
Monday, February 14, 2011
are the days that makes me feel alive.
walking into Carrical today, 8 guys sitting outside, smoking, drinking. One of them realizes its me, and smiles, the rest follow. For a second, i felt accepted. like it was home. In a strange way.
I spent my valentine evening with a stranger, a lovely lady whose life was filed with abuse, hardships and unacceptance. We started talking, discovering new things we both been through, she said to me, it doesn't matter what your race is (we were talking about bullies at school) I didn't plan to stay that long but I left at 9pm. We watched the sun go down this beautiful city. She has the most amazing view from her flat. She showed me precious pictures of her children and her old family photos.
only one thing could beat this valentine evening, and that day will come in 15 months. but till now, I couldn't have thought of spending it with a better person and doing the one thing that I love.
I wish I could show you the photographs I really want to show you, but I can't because I can't let her be identified so just trust me on this, that she is the loveliest person you'll meet.
p.s I also helped a young blind bloke onto a train and I hopped off his stop to make sure that he got on his next train to Gippsland. Being a photographer, I can't tell you how grateful I am for my sight. I realized that people in this world are heartless bastards, who sometimes all they do is stare and don't help. Instead they rush through the world, not giving a damn about the person behind them. Makes me rather mad.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I've got two weeks left to the start of my final year. It's terrifying yet I can't wait to see what this year brings me. I feel something big is simmering slowly, I can barely wait to ride this wave, to hit that high. So far, life has been good, two months went by real quickly. Melbourne's summer this year was disappointing.
I realized today how lucky I am. I don't have to go out in the world to find my one true love, the person I want to spend forever with. Even so, life feels contented. (Though I still have several things to check off my list)
Also, I love technology :) (particularly the iphone ! )
Gotta get running for a early quick shoot!
I'll write a proper post later!
p.s check out what I shot last tuesday.
Friday, February 4, 2011
so tonight's been a rough night. I barely ate anything today, nothing for dinner and I worked 4 hours around food. Now, it's 11.30pm, and I don't even have any appetite to eat. It's been over 8 hours since I've eaten.
The weather seems appropriate to how I feel though, wet, gloomy. rain, ugh.
p.s I don't care for your text messages, you're driving me up the wall. It's so inconsiderate of you to even text me and EXPECT me to carry your feelings for you. I'm not meant to anymore. I know once you read this, you're going to text me eventually. I just want to be left alone. I am going to run so far away till no one can ever find me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I feel at this stage in my life, I'm just a drifter. I'm drifting on my little boat, filled with my wishes, and hopes and dreams. It is all that is keeping me afloat till i reach my paradise. And when I finally do arrive there, then I will feel that I've started living.
p.s: this contradicts my belief of living my life to the fullest each day, but my life is full of contradictions, so it fits somewhat.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I apologize, dear readers, for my bitter post previously. I got a little mad at the world, at my circumstance. It's ironic because a couple days later, here I am, feeling grateful for what I have, rather than angry for what I don't have.
I complained about having unreliable friends. Today, I'm grateful for the few I do have, and for the few I am in process of making. I am grateful for my family as dysfunctional as they are. I am very happy with who I am today and this journey I am partaking.
Last night, I completed a book I have been meaning to read for a while since my childhood friend, Amelia quoted it in her blog a few years back. It's called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It is such a simple book but filled with all these amazing little things about life. It stripes everything that complicates life down to its bare naked core. It put me back in my place, in the right mindset.
Thank you Charlie for your wise words
"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. " - Charlie in 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'
p.s I happen to love being a wallflower :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
So, another year has passed. I'm twenty now. I realized today, that we are all searching for that one thing to hold on to. For some, its their faith in God, for others, it is love, career or the future. We all need something to work towards to, otherwise life would be deemed meaningless. We all need faith and hope.
For a twenty year old, I am unable to socialize like I used to. I don't think I can possibly explain to anyone or myself how much those 2 years in Stawell changed me. It made me reclusive, to the point I couldn't relate to anyone (of my own age). To relate to people, you need to be personal. I can't be personal. I feel like my life here in Australia is a hinder. Being a part of Australian culture, or heritage fills me with hatred and discomfort.
It's been 4 years now, I am grateful that being here provided me with so many more opportunities I couldn't have possibly had if I was in Brunei. I know however, in my heart, that no matter how long I would have lived here, Australia is a place I will never ever feel comfortable in. It will never be my home.
I'm starting to think I'm better off being a hermit. I think that is why I hate birthdays. It's more about the people you spend it with. It just so turned out that the few people I want to spend my birthday with. I couldn't because I was here in this god damn country.
I'm sorry if I sound bitter, dear readers. It is the way I've been feeling. I feel bitter and angry. I'm disappointed in the way my life is. I know it is dumb because I have a lot going for myself. I just for once, would like to have a perfect group of friends that I could chill in the backyard with some beers, enjoying the warm night and talking about nothing important (but we are all comfortable with it)
I am sick of friends who call themselves friends yet they cancel on you, or deemed you less important than their other friends. I am tired of making an effort, when to be honest, I really don't care if I am friends with you or not. (I would rather you not refer to me as being your friend)
Today(day after my birthday) was a bad day. I try very hard not to be bitter or angry at the world. At people I don't even know. I promised i would be more positive, I would take happiness from the little joys in life. It was going so well for a while. Then I crashed. It's life isn't it? One moment you could be on top of the world, and the other, stuck in a crater covered with ashes and dirt. It's about balance, I know all this. But for once for fucking God's sake, will you just let me have a perfect birthday.
Okay, that's enough bitterness for one weekend. It's time for a trip out of this country, I say.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.
So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.
My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.
I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.
I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.
If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.
p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)