12. mistakes are there to teach us

i find myself incredibly burden by my thoughts, i think way too much for my own mental health, it's about friendships. when i first came over to Australia, i was going through a major time of my life: where i was so self-involved with trying to cope with this new world that i chose to avoid and ignore everyone back in brunei(unconsciously or consciously, who knows?) But i think i was going through this state of mind, where i believed that no one really truly care about the matter of my whereabouts, or the state I'm in.

which explains my disappearance for two years and a bit.

i guess i figured that if i wanted to disappear and be gone forever this would be the time. No one would care, no one would find out where i was...

the reason why i was so self involved, was because i was trying to adjust to this new world,i remember feeling so incredibly lost with nothing strong to hold grasp of. there was no clear identity of who i am, but rather the decision on who you should be.

i learn to cope by changing myself, the way i speak, the way i dress, my terminology.

but somewhere along the line, it fell apart; and this identity i set up for me wasn't really me.

this makes me so incredibly aware of being a misfit.

I don't think anyone i personally know really understands this feeling, i try not to dwell on it too much but it's one of those things that you have to deal with everyday because it is right in front of you.

i suppose i should stop thinking too much, like i said too much for my own mental health.

goodnight people,

as always,

el

11. these days

it's been a while since i wrote, assignments seem to be piling up. The latest news so far, is that I've handed in my two weeks notice into work. My final day is October the 7th. A day before a two year anniversary. Life has sorta been up and down. It's been good days.. trying to find my feet, to find the right people to be friends with. sort of.

there's still a bit of adjustment period, i suppose. But all i know is that i have to keep trying. it's too hard sometimes. At the moment I'm struggling to complete my assignments; i've reverted back to polaroids. 

Home, life at home has been good. My grandmother is here, i enjoy having her around. It feels like home. tis is a good feeling. 

I feel like I haven't been to Carrical in two weeks. It's really weird but i feel so at home, when talking to Alan, or to James, especially to Conrad. Misfits in society, perhaps I'm just like them. A misfit, one that will never fit into what we deem as normal society. There's always 'something wrong' like an aura being emitted from you. 

something. 

I was introduced to this guy's work, 'Kip Fulbeck: The Hapa Project'

incredibly inspiring. Anyone, who suffers from a hybrid/split identity, should have a look at this. He photographs people, against a white background, simple honest portraits. Then he asks him to answer a question 'What are you?' Their responses are written and placed under the photograph. 

I feel a bit lost in this western society, Australia and it's educational values are so based around western ideals and themes. I get so tired of being different sometimes. Especially at uni, I'm so exhausted, I hate being here sometimes. The only thing that keeps me going is the things I'm learning, but at the same time, some lecturers are so completely closed minded (just like most of the students) 

i suppose the only way I can get over this, is to find a misfit society that i can fit into or embrace it and simply let it go....

somehow i don't see any way. 

gotta run, class has started.

as always,

el 

ten.

In an apartment above Fifth Avenue, some thirty young people live in a vortex of drug addiction and despair. In The Ninth Floor, Jessica Dimmock enters this world, exploring, in human terms, what has been lost and what may be recovered. See the project at http://mediastorm.com/publication/the-ninth-floor

i was introduced to mediastorm.org last year through a lecture, i fell in love with the incredible imagery, and bravery of the photographers/videographers there. They are so incredibly passionate about the work that they do, not for themselves, but for the people they are photographing, for raising awareness to the public. They invest a significant amount of time, immersing themselves into the issue they are addressing, even living within the conditions. Above is a video called the Ninth Floor, it is rated R for drug usage/nudity. In the 1970's, New York artist Joe Smith rented an apartment overlooking Fifth Avenue. In the years that followed, it became a black hole of drug addiction, hopelessness and squandered dreams.

It is a perspective we as normal beings of this society, will not see.

I feel so incredibly inspired by people that have no fear. I believe this is what I am meant to do, to photograph with the intention to bring awareness and the ability to change society(even if we begin with just one person) Too many people in this world go about their own ways and get so self-involved that they forget about the world that surrounds them, the other kinds of people that have it worse than them. They refuse to see, or rather they can't see because there aren't that many people in the world that would give up their lives, and sacrifice themselves and put themselves in such dangerous position to bring back a message to millions of people.

It's incredible.

As a photographer, I've learnt to be open to anything and everything, but it is suffice to say, you must tread with wisdom and safety. I feel like I have an important role to play in this world, i don't meant to sound arrogant

watch it, be sure to check out the other videos at mediastorm.org (Love in the first Person is breathtaking)

i'll write more another time (p.s i have been currently stuck in bed and at home for 2 days, urgh)

as always,

el

nine.

love is simply love, when you fall too deep, and your vision is blurred, when you cannot see any future ahead, what you should do is let go.

i suppose it is like what they say, if its meant to be, he'll be back, if not, just take the lessons you learn under your wing and keep loving, keep falling...

why do we bother complicating things, it is love. it is meant to be enjoyable, meant to be shared, you are meant to have FUN sometimes, but instead you get all caught up with the dramas, with the blame, with the what nots and whose fault it is, you get so twisted up inside, so filled with confusion that you aren't able to simply enjoy love.

perhaps it is time to let go.. at least for now..

it's only love, afterall.. ? right?

we're so afraid of being alone.. we're so afraid of making a mistake, but how else are we meant to know that it was a mistake..? it's time to say goodbye.

----

friday, i had a really weird but amazing day. I'm trying to figure out why I am incapable of getting along with my peers (i.e youth my age...) I spent the afternoon, with a 49 year old man who suffers from schizophrenia. We talked for hours over coffee, about everything and anything. It was incredibly enlightening. We communicated on the same level of maturity, and we connected, through our similar experiences. I'm only 19, i suppose it really isn't normal to be feel so incredibly connected to someone who is 30 years older than you..

Weird.

we have become friends, i hope this continues. I need a little intellectuality in my life, sometimes, at least to talk about the deeper and more meaningful things without being too emotionally attached. It is incredible, i wonder if it is just me, and my constant questioning, or is it just that the past few years has made me so aware of cultural differences, of.. society, i appreciate how much it has changed me and made me.. grow.

I wish everyone would stop judging and just learn to love, and not be afraid of the unknown, that some strangers could be your best friend, that all we need to do in the world is to make time to listen, and love. Stop your daily routine for once, and stop rushing. Take time to breathe, to smile at a stranger, to make conversation, to actually perhaps ask that beggar on the street what is his story. All anyone ever wants is for someone to show that they care....

incredible.

always,

el

p.s: i do apologise for lack of photographs, I'm trying to keep Carrical images away from here... it will be shown when i can :) Also, i'm running really behind my assignments.. bare with me.

eight

struggling with this concept we know as love.

this has been the most exhausting week for me, physically and emotionally tired. I've skipped two classes out of 4 this week, that is half my classes. and I have about 5 assignments due next week and each one i have not yet started. I've been sleeping at 1am the earliest this week... and I'm just so completely tired.... I just want to sleep all the time, sleep away my problems, my exhaustion, my mind. It hurts my mind when i think, but i honestly cannot stop thinking. Usually, i can distract myself with other things, but not.. the past week.. i guess i've sorta come to realise that perhaps i don't love, i just crave companionship. i don't know really. it's 1am again, and i'm awake. No classes tomorrow but i have Carrical. I should probably go, at least it might brighten up my day.

i kinda just wanna crawl into my bed and stay there, perhaps wait till someone finds me... i have this urge to travel somewhere, i think if next week i have the weekend off.. i might just fly somewhere, who knows....

goodnight. i do apologise for my whiny rants about my life, i promise once this week is over, i'll start writing/posting up happy things :)

always,

el