Tuesday, May 31, 2011


love is a tough path we choose to take. i really hate my need for be loved once I choose to be in a relationship. Before that, that whole "chase stage" Its okay because I don't ever expect anything. It's only when you have expectations, you get disappointments. And sometimes you expect the impossible.

I'm normally fine with being alone. I'm a drifter. I drift through life viewing it in stages and knowing that this stage will soon pass and when it does, i will have no long term affiliations to it. I am grateful for the people that are in that stage of life that I've come across.

I don't think me as a "norm" human being brings any presence to a group of "norm" people. I guess this is the fundamental person to why I photograph outside the norm society. I feel so comfortable because I am not "norm" I take things too seriously, I am unable to feel relax because I feel there so much in this world... I rather be doing than be there.

Because I know If I was in Libya photographing the riots/chaos, and I might be starved, dirty, detained, etc. I rather be there than be with a bunch of people that talk about what they did on the weekend. [I don't mean to sound so bitchy but.... ]

I guess the reason why I don't rely on anyone or make friends easily or even if I do, it's tough for me be dependent is because they let you down eventually. and it hurts.

so I shouldn't complain that I have no one to talk to when I do need someone. It's because I don't let anyone near me.

and it's really tough when the one person that you do, you can't talk to because he is struggling himself and you're trying to be the very best you can be for him and it is oh so tough. you're struggling and he is struggling too.

I don't think I'm very strong emotionally to handle this for the both of us but I'm going to try. And I hope you pull through so you can take over when I crash.

I think this is the final test of this relationship.
I also think it kinda sucks that relationships can only end in two ways: marriage or breakup

I guess we'll see how this goes.

16 days till folio is due and I have
2 studio shoots
3 video
2 mentor assignment
1 multimedia. (folio)

can it get any worse?

Thursday, May 19, 2011


these are the things I learn constantly over and over again:

1. Never, ever, ever, in your right mind think that you can rely on another human being.
2. Be independent, completely independent. This means:-

a) don't ask for help or even organize to share responsibilities with anyone.
b) don't ever let yourself break down due to someone's else treatment of you
c) don't ever feel like it's a bad thing that you're alone.
d) keep yourself at a distance from others
e) don't fall in love, because this defies all the rules above.

in other words, be a fucking hermit and make sure you can do everything because no one else in this entire world gives a shit about what you do. whether you fail or pass. It's absolutely nothing.

The end.

Monday, May 16, 2011


i am a heartless bitch.
i'm about to lose the love of my life.
i can't believe the things I do - it all seems so blurry, like a dream, a nightmare.
for some reason, I am not feeling anything.
I think it's a defense I've created.
When it would hurt so bad, I don't feel.

but i know it will come in slow steps and when it does, i fall so hard into a pity hole.

it's my fault though, it is the consequence of what I did.
i wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me. and start afresh with me.

i am such a complete idiot.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

52. i feel

i feel like I'm mourning the death of something,
I'm not sure what it could possibly be but something died.
and i'm really feeling it.

its winter, it's cold.
Winter only makes me miss you more. It's going to be a harsh 6 months...

can't wait till 2011 is completely over.