Wednesday, July 27, 2011


it's hit me.
relationships has it selfish moments.
It's that decision between your career or your relationship
Time for your friends/family or time for him/her

and it's because we can't have everything, there is always a need to balance.

so where do we place ourselves within this line ? Where does our priorities lie?

Recently, I received an email from my dad. And it's one of his usual emails, his disappointment in himself his regrets in not spending time with us when we were younger. Not having a family etc.

After a while, it gets rather tiresome. For my dad, his priority has always fallen within work/himself. But Nearly 50 years down the line, he realised that was wrong. It should have been within the family.

Maybe I'm headed the same path: putting my career before me/my relationships. But in my defense though, my career isn't just for me. It's goals aren't making money: it's about helping people who can't help themselves. It's about bringing some sort of greater awareness to the world: a minor change for the better.

There's always a separation between being a photographer and your personal life.

For me, being a photographer is my life. And I often don't understand how there is a separation. I suppose that kinda falls into between categories: documentation/everything else.

I'm trying to create a bridge between "my life/my projects": for me, photographing people that are close to me are the hardest. Documenting what I go through is difficult I suppose that is mainly why I document people's stories: not my own.

This I know is a fear I must face.

On another random note, I have come to realize that my relationship is falling apart. Perhaps there's too much junk in the middle that's building up this wall of complete and utter rubbish. But it's still a wall. A wall that we are building between us. A wall of shit and selfish actions (from both parties)

I feel like I'm just crawling through this. I also realize through this, how alone I really am.

And I need to somehow be okay with that. ( i thought I was, evidently not)

Like always though, I'll find a way. (i just thought for once, I had someone to rely on)

Disappointment is a bitch.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


edgy feelings are starting to arise again.
today I looked through my phone contact list and it hit me hard that there isn't really a single person I can call in the middle of the night for an emergency. Not a person that lives within distance anyway.

I'm not sure if it's all the sex and the city episodes I've been watching but I'm feeling awfully lonely. Usually I have a boy to take my mind off that fact but I'm starting to lose it a little.

I always dislike that when your closest friends gain a boy, you somehow lose them to that boy. It's strange how life revolves around love most of the time.

Then again, I can't be the best judge because if my boy was here, I would be spending all my time with him.

are we perhaps meant to be lonely till we found our other half?

friends, job, work, hobbies are they just time-fillers?

this is a time filler.


why do i feel so guilty for taking time off...?

i miss you and i just want you here.