3.28

it's hit me.

relationships has it selfish moments.

It's that decision between your career or your relationship

Time for your friends/family or time for him/her

and it's because we can't have everything, there is always a need to balance.

so where do we place ourselves within this line ? Where does our priorities lie?

Recently, I received an email from my dad. And it's one of his usual emails, his disappointment in himself his regrets in not spending time with us when we were younger. Not having a family etc.

After a while, it gets rather tiresome. For my dad, his priority has always fallen within work/himself. But Nearly 50 years down the line, he realised that was wrong. It should have been within the family.

Maybe I'm headed the same path: putting my career before me/my relationships. But in my defense though, my career isn't just for me. It's goals aren't making money: it's about helping people who can't help themselves. It's about bringing some sort of greater awareness to the world: a minor change for the better.

There's always a separation between being a photographer and your personal life.

For me, being a photographer is my life. And I often don't understand how there is a separation. I suppose that kinda falls into between categories: documentation/everything else.

I'm trying to create a bridge between "my life/my projects": for me, photographing people that are close to me are the hardest. Documenting what I go through is difficult I suppose that is mainly why I document people's stories: not my own.

This I know is a fear I must face.

--

On another random note, I have come to realize that my relationship is falling apart. Perhaps there's too much junk in the middle that's building up this wall of complete and utter rubbish. But it's still a wall. A wall that we are building between us. A wall of shit and selfish actions (from both parties)

I feel like I'm just crawling through this. I also realize through this, how alone I really am.

And I need to somehow be okay with that. ( i thought I was, evidently not)

Like always though, I'll find a way. (i just thought for once, I had someone to rely on)

Disappointment is a bitch.