Sunday, March 31, 2013

home.

it's been 1.5 months since I arrived in the states. It hasn't been too exciting but i keep telling myself adventures will come when weather is warmer. It's a very strange feeling to become accustomed to another country, their views, the kind of people, games etc in a very short period of time. It's takes another 3 weeks to get over the shock/differences.. then it becomes a way of living, almost. 

in a way, it is easier to be "used" to this country but in other ways, it isn't. I'm worried about my money as it seem to be disappearing quite quickly. I miss working/earning and surviving on my own. I dislike being dependent on people. It's easier to be independent. 

I miss the people I hang with - I wouldn't really call them friends but rather I am always ensured that I can have a good time with them. Here.. it is a bit on and off. People are more pretentious and closed off.  It's bizarre, I'm used to being with travelers; the mind and life of a traveler. Work hard and definitely you play hard. 

In saying that... I really miss home. 

I thought I wouldn't though but when you're mostly alone (not counting my lover), it's kinda difficult not to think about such things.

It is also hard because everyday i feel unproductive and lazy. I'm used to working and being so busy that I don't know what to do with this free time. 

I'm trying to be content and grateful. I tell myself everyday that it is something I need to work on. 

One thing I've realized is who my "real" friends are and who are simply acquaintances. distance provides a lot of clarity. 


Monday, February 11, 2013

short hand

Being born into an asian family is sometimes a curse. One of the biggest issues is the whole family honour and "having face" This apparently applies to everything - and when you end up trying to please whoever, you end up upsetting someone. Usually, someone who has ridiculous concepts.

I had a relative who said "why you put on facebook the photos" These are posed photographs and frankly are boring and I will gain nothing out of it by putting it up. I simply placed them up there because its the easiest way for everyone to download them from.

But I don't understand why privacy is such an issue in this case. There's always a choice i.e don't tag yourself, set your privacy settings to yourself only or simply don't have facebook. Its incredibly hypocritical because as human beings we are curious to see what others is up to and with facebook, it's easier and extremely convenient. BUT yet we don't appreciate when we end up on someone elses facebook.

As a photographer, and more specifically a documentary photographer, I can't help but be offended.

I document life around for what it is; may it be beautiful, sad, happy etc. It's life and we all know life is short. What we have is photographs that last and should be documented to be remembered.


I'm struggling with figuring out who I really am or what makes me happy. or how to be happy. And I think it's with being okay with who I am - and I don't know who I am yet.

And that begins with my birth to now. I'm going through old photographs, memories, new photographs, the past the present etc...

just to have some sort of grasp and a deeper understanding... bu


I can go on and on about how this trip has affected me but for now.... I'm trying to gather my thoughts slowly. It's been too hectic around the house and the lack of personal space - I haven't had time to really think about it a lot...

but slowly.

also, leaving in kuala lumpur on friday and USA on Monday.

all my love & happy chinese new year (to whoever still reads...)

x



Thursday, January 31, 2013

2013.

How funny that I disappear from blogs / life last year and I'm back again this year.

2013 started with a BANG! I was in Brunei, my childhood for the first 10 days.
Then I arrive here in Kota Kinabalu,  my birth place for 3 weeks.

Its a blur.
4 weeks into 2013.

I'm feeling a sense of shame and sadness.
I'm battling myself in my head because I feel I've let myself down.
I'm not ready to be an open book but yet, I need to be.
I'm in that hard place.

I leave tomorrow for Melaka, another place of my younger memories.

It's strange now that I'm thinking about it.
Brunei = is a place for me.
Kota Kinabalu = is a place for dad.
Melaka = is a place for mum.

Somehow these places all blended into a big blob of confusion called me.

A lot of photographs I take now are sort of things that I want to store away in my memory... It's a whole blur of nothing significant but somehow I'm hoping in the end, it will turn into some sort of project. but ultimately it's incredibly personal. I miss challenging myself in places I don't belong yet I felt the most belonging... A sense of purpose almost.

it's come to my sense that for me to be who I want to be - I need to abandon this thinking... and this fear.

 I'm afraid of what's ahead but It is something I will have to face to grow into whatever it is I shall be.

hopefully 2013 will be a more successful year......







Tuesday, September 25, 2012

2012.

has been a year of change. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But definitely a big impact.

#1: moving out ain't as much fun as it sounds.
     I'm not usually the kind of family person, but I miss family (a lot) They're not very far away but it's different.. Independence sucks sometimes.

#2: house-sharing.
       teaches you a lot of patience and consideration. And a whole lot of "learning to let things go just so  that the house is in peace. Also makes you take on a lot of responsibility.

#3: working full-time. (often over 40-50 hours)
   and not in a field that I liked to be - but in a field that I am good at and used to. (routine is hard to break) I am earning about $700-900 a week but money ain't what matters most.

#4: my love.
     is probably the best thing in my life right now. I can't imagine being with anyone else. i learn that the ability to hold a conversation with someone is very important. something I am grateful for. :)

#5: photography
      is something I love to do but haven't had time doing. I'm struggling between the balance of money and joy/contentment. Responsibility means the need for money. I think I'm starting to learn that I need to take risks - and not be afraid to fail...  I'm hoping travel/America will help me be more independent and less afraid of failure. I'm scared but fear is something I have to get over.

Climb a wall and get over it. It's the only way to know/feel what is on the other side rather than always wondering if the grass is greener.

#6: learning to drive (about time really)
      is easier than I expected. I knew I would love driving but I get so distracted by sights and scenes..  (and pretty lights)

#7: future.
      is something I don't know where I will be going. Some days I want to disappear but now I'm starting to realize that connections/people you know years and years are the key to success... (in the photography field)

#8: people.
     i need to be more open with people/strangers. I miss that feeling of "greatness" or the anticipation of something great and lifechanging about to happen. I wonder about everyone I had met- and promises I made and not yet fulfill.. There so much for me to do before I leave this country.

---
short reminder to do list. (2.5 MONTHS to complete everything)
1. Meet Lee (print photos)
2. Send video to Lulu/Jason
3. Send Anthology books to Neil/teachers.
4. Make Grandma's book.
5. Have a proper website *functioning well and a facebook page *
6. Future plans/projects...




Sunday, January 29, 2012

71.

life is a little strange at the moment. a month into 2012 and i'm feeling a bit at loss. I think it's because i need some sort of structure and at the moment this structure does not exist. Working 3 jobs and 30-40 hours a week is tough/boring.

I'm struggling to define myself without photography. I'm not sure where I'm meant to be or who I am.

:(

Monday, January 9, 2012

70. it's lonely down under.

2012.

an obligatory post, i suppose. 9 days into the new year and it's looking a bit strange. it's going to be a very unpredictable year - a very challenging year. and it will be a year that I'll make so many mistakes and take so many more risks and it will be a year of many many failures and hopefully some success... It will be a year for even greater growth.

it's been 9 days and somehow it feels that a month has passed by. Working countless hours 12 hour shifts 3 different jobs - haven't had much time to contemplate....

my lover is with me down under and i'm thankful for what he brings into my life. i wish we were more settled into ours but soon.

i've come to a realisation i don't like my own life so I live others using photography as my excuse, my reason but really it's all an escape...

-
it's a never ending list of doubts and uncertainty.





Sunday, December 11, 2011

69. it makes no sense

this searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
we hope we hope for love
for love to somehow fill a void within us, within me.
we seek, keep our lives busy with all the mundane things
that are meant to keep us living
like food, love, relationships, a job.
within all this,
i still find zero content.
maybe for a while, maybe for a bit.
but at the end of the day, week or hour
it comes down to this.
right now right here right in this moment,
i am unhappy.

and i'm not sure how to fix it without running away
or disappearing.
without all my little fixes like alcohol, a few cigarettes.

home. where are you?