And I struggled with that a lot. But now, looking back, I think I've come a long way. These things don't hurt me anymore, i don't care if people think about me, or if people miss me or if they miss my friendship with them. It doesn't matter to me because if I cared enough for them or them for me, it would happen - if it doesn't then, well, it was never right to begin with.
i don't want to be a people pleaser. i don't want to be the most popular kid in school - that takes a lot of effort not to step on people's toes.
I'm not saying that i don't appreciate the friendships I had, i have just come to terms with letting it die away. we move on and we go our separate ways. we experience different things, it's alright. i don't feel the guilt and the disappointment anymore.
I've also come to understand and appreciate because of this, my situation, i gain an undeniable amount of life experience. The things I've gone through in the ages of 16 to now has been incredible. Mentally, I think I've found my identity, my self, who I want to be and how to get there. I'm not lost anymore, I have a purpose in life and I honestly wouldn't be here if I had not gone through the things I did. Its all part of life and its lessons. It's so important to embrace it and learn from it. I guess, a lot of people can't come to terms with it. It's important to dwell on your life, and to see what aspect of your life you can change for the better. It is important to question, but as well - it is also important to be able to embrace changes, and to actually take action instead of just thinking and questioning.
We have brains to think but we also have hands to do things with.
today i had an excellent interview - I hope i get this job, it would be really interesting and challenging but highly rewarding. tonight, i will let myself feel proud of the achievements I've made in my life, and I will enjoy it, and take praise from it. Tonight is a night of appreciation - it is not a night of questioning what i can do better ( i do that every other day) or the things I should have done better (again, practically every hour), it is a night where I take time to sit back and be proud of who I am and everything I've come to be.
I'm only 19. I'm only 19.