Sunday, March 31, 2013


it's been 1.5 months since I arrived in the states. It hasn't been too exciting but i keep telling myself adventures will come when weather is warmer. It's a very strange feeling to become accustomed to another country, their views, the kind of people, games etc in a very short period of time. It's takes another 3 weeks to get over the shock/differences.. then it becomes a way of living, almost. 

in a way, it is easier to be "used" to this country but in other ways, it isn't. I'm worried about my money as it seem to be disappearing quite quickly. I miss working/earning and surviving on my own. I dislike being dependent on people. It's easier to be independent. 

I miss the people I hang with - I wouldn't really call them friends but rather I am always ensured that I can have a good time with them. Here.. it is a bit on and off. People are more pretentious and closed off.  It's bizarre, I'm used to being with travelers; the mind and life of a traveler. Work hard and definitely you play hard. 

In saying that... I really miss home. 

I thought I wouldn't though but when you're mostly alone (not counting my lover), it's kinda difficult not to think about such things.

It is also hard because everyday i feel unproductive and lazy. I'm used to working and being so busy that I don't know what to do with this free time. 

I'm trying to be content and grateful. I tell myself everyday that it is something I need to work on. 

One thing I've realized is who my "real" friends are and who are simply acquaintances. distance provides a lot of clarity. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

short hand

Being born into an asian family is sometimes a curse. One of the biggest issues is the whole family honour and "having face" This apparently applies to everything - and when you end up trying to please whoever, you end up upsetting someone. Usually, someone who has ridiculous concepts.

I had a relative who said "why you put on facebook the photos" These are posed photographs and frankly are boring and I will gain nothing out of it by putting it up. I simply placed them up there because its the easiest way for everyone to download them from.

But I don't understand why privacy is such an issue in this case. There's always a choice i.e don't tag yourself, set your privacy settings to yourself only or simply don't have facebook. Its incredibly hypocritical because as human beings we are curious to see what others is up to and with facebook, it's easier and extremely convenient. BUT yet we don't appreciate when we end up on someone elses facebook.

As a photographer, and more specifically a documentary photographer, I can't help but be offended.

I document life around for what it is; may it be beautiful, sad, happy etc. It's life and we all know life is short. What we have is photographs that last and should be documented to be remembered.

I'm struggling with figuring out who I really am or what makes me happy. or how to be happy. And I think it's with being okay with who I am - and I don't know who I am yet.

And that begins with my birth to now. I'm going through old photographs, memories, new photographs, the past the present etc...

just to have some sort of grasp and a deeper understanding... bu

I can go on and on about how this trip has affected me but for now.... I'm trying to gather my thoughts slowly. It's been too hectic around the house and the lack of personal space - I haven't had time to really think about it a lot...

but slowly.

also, leaving in kuala lumpur on friday and USA on Monday.

all my love & happy chinese new year (to whoever still reads...)


Thursday, January 31, 2013


How funny that I disappear from blogs / life last year and I'm back again this year.

2013 started with a BANG! I was in Brunei, my childhood for the first 10 days.
Then I arrive here in Kota Kinabalu,  my birth place for 3 weeks.

Its a blur.
4 weeks into 2013.

I'm feeling a sense of shame and sadness.
I'm battling myself in my head because I feel I've let myself down.
I'm not ready to be an open book but yet, I need to be.
I'm in that hard place.

I leave tomorrow for Melaka, another place of my younger memories.

It's strange now that I'm thinking about it.
Brunei = is a place for me.
Kota Kinabalu = is a place for dad.
Melaka = is a place for mum.

Somehow these places all blended into a big blob of confusion called me.

A lot of photographs I take now are sort of things that I want to store away in my memory... It's a whole blur of nothing significant but somehow I'm hoping in the end, it will turn into some sort of project. but ultimately it's incredibly personal. I miss challenging myself in places I don't belong yet I felt the most belonging... A sense of purpose almost.

it's come to my sense that for me to be who I want to be - I need to abandon this thinking... and this fear.

 I'm afraid of what's ahead but It is something I will have to face to grow into whatever it is I shall be.

hopefully 2013 will be a more successful year......