39. bittersweet

So, another year has passed. I'm twenty now. I realized today, that we are all searching for that one thing to hold on to. For some, its their faith in God, for others, it is love, career or the future. We all need something to work towards to, otherwise life would be deemed meaningless. We all need faith and hope.

--

For a twenty year old, I am unable to socialize like I used to. I don't think I can possibly explain to anyone or myself how much those 2 years in Stawell changed me. It made me reclusive, to the point I couldn't relate to anyone (of my own age). To relate to people, you need to be personal. I can't be personal. I feel like my life here in Australia is a hinder. Being a part of Australian culture, or heritage fills me with hatred and discomfort.

It's been 4 years now, I am grateful that being here provided me with so many more opportunities I couldn't have possibly had if I was in Brunei. I know however, in my heart, that no matter how long I would have lived here, Australia is a place I will never ever feel comfortable in. It will never be my home.

I'm starting to think I'm better off being a hermit. I think that is why I hate birthdays. It's more about the people you spend it with. It just so turned out that the few people I want to spend my birthday with. I couldn't because I was here in this god damn country.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter, dear readers. It is the way I've been feeling. I feel bitter and angry. I'm disappointed in the way my life is. I know it is dumb because I have a lot going for myself. I just for once, would like to have a perfect group of friends that I could chill in the backyard with some beers, enjoying the warm night and talking about nothing important (but we are all comfortable with it)

I am sick of friends who call themselves friends yet they cancel on you, or deemed you less important than their other friends. I am tired of making an effort, when to be honest, I really don't care if I am friends with you or not. (I would rather you not refer to me as being your friend)

Today(day after my birthday) was a bad day. I try very hard not to be bitter or angry at the world. At people I don't even know. I promised i would be more positive, I would take happiness from the little joys in life. It was going so well for a while. Then I crashed. It's life isn't it? One moment you could be on top of the world, and the other, stuck in a crater covered with ashes and dirt. It's about balance, I know all this. But for once for fucking God's sake, will you just let me have a perfect birthday.

--

Okay, that's enough bitterness for one weekend. It's time for a trip out of this country, I say.