35. Christmas

I usually have no emotion for Christmas traditions. I've been reflecting a lot on my family and its dysfunctional ways. In terms of holidays and vacations, I avoid it. For as long as I can remember, it never works out well in the end. It ends up being tiresome, exhausting and just plain uncomfortable. I spent my Christmas Eve eating dinner with my brother alone. It sounds pretty pathetic but it was actually rather enjoyable.

We talked and reflect on our past lives - we found common ground in our childhood, we laughed and we discuss future trips. It was like talking to an old friend. It felt rather strange because family is something we all take for granted, or we are too close to let ourselves feel. It's relatively easy making friends, sharing common experiences etc but when it comes to family, we get ourselves too comfortable with our daily living rather than focusing on what really matters.

I've always been close to him but we kinda drifted through life. It's always nice to know that there's at least one person in your family that you can count on. He's my shoulder to cry on when I need him.

Before I start to get all teary eyed and drifting into a different topic, my point of this was to say despite my lack of Christmas spirit, this year felt a little different. It felt nearly normal. I did the late night 24 hour Christmas shopping on the 23rd from 1am-5am. All that walking and long hours was worth it. I finally kinda understand the importance of Christmas presents - it's a gesture of affection, care, love - everything we don't say to each other packed into this one gift that I so painstakingly searched for and carefully wrapped.

Today is a good day, and i hope your Christmas is lovely too. If you're spending it alone, go out in the world and do something for yourself and for others, strangers. Make someone smile, that could be a gift to yourself. If you're spending it with family, and you all have already started arguing over nothing, appreciate that despite their flaws, they are still family - appreciate it and love. Stop to take a breath and just be grateful for living. Merry Christmas, everyone.

as always,

el