29. festive seasons and being alone

tonight, i feel a little alone. It's a different time of lonely, it's a quiet night. Silence fills this house. It surprises me how much a person contributes to its space, the environment around them. This house feels a little lost without my grandmother. There's no light here - the living room sits empty. She wasn't the loudest person, in fact, she was so quiet at times you did not realize she is around. But with her gone, there's no light, no joy, no feeling of 'home'.

if i had someone to enjoy it with, tonight would be the night i would say come, let's go for a run. let's go to the park and lay down on the grass and watch the world go by. let's sit by the bridge and watch the river flow. let's ride the trains till it hits the end of their depot.

i'm falling a bit out of my busy cycle - I'm trying to be patient and not do anything and give myself a little break. I'm itching to do things, always. Christmas is coming up, I have to say I hate these festive seasons... it's always about being together with people you loved. That's hard to do when the people you love are not around/don't exist.

I never really had a connection with my own family - sure I know they will be there to welcome me with open arms. But they are definitely not the people I would go to for help. They do not know who I am, my dreams, my wishes, my struggles. They do not understand. I think its my way of coping with being the person I am. I distance myself from them because my way of thinking and living will not be right in their eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. It's a lot better now than it was before but there still no connection.

I will say this now, sometimes I wish my life was a bit simpler. It's always been complicated, and I don't mind a bit of complexity but sometimes I would just like a break from it all, I want to feel content (even if that means I be boring for a while) I want to have friends I can go have coffee with weekly, I want to be in a town I grew up in, to recognise all the streets and be able to attach a memory to them. A long term memory - a memory that means something.

I hate this. This feeling of fleeting, running, the need to change. It's because I hate being in one place for too long, I've been in Australia for coming 4 years on 26th Dec. I need to move, to travel, to be seeing new things everyday. It's so hard to do this when you're stuck in a routine.. I haven't been out of Australia for 3 years and I'm itching...

I wish my little legs could take me to the ends of the earth and back. I would walk just to escape. I want the bohemian living - the carefree. My family, my mother especially ties me down here. I get frustrated with closed minds, and it so happens that my mother won't ever see past 'her view', it's saddens me because there's so much to life that she's missing out.

I won't ever let myself fall into that. As much as I love her, I hope I be a better version of her.

i hope i will someday, find the contentment I seek.

as always,
el