28. on saying goodbye

i understand now why it is best not to see each other for a while after you break up. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would be. To be honest, I'm still hurting now. It's more of, mourning the loss of a loved one. The kind of tears that you cry when you know there's nothing you can do but say goodbye.

This is the first time I've let myself feel this, now. Being vulnerable. It's so easy to not feel when you're busy with life - the routine, the mundane. We had a sort of final date goodbye. Strange feelings, it's so easy to fall into what you have known for the past 2 years. The way his hand feels in yours, or the smell of his deodorant. His hugs and cuddles. Knowing what he is thinking just by looking at his face. His kisses. his arms around your waist. I see things a tad different too, you learn to appreciate the little things, the way he tells me to bring a jacket because it gets cold, or his way of holding me back because there might be cars ahead. It's been too long. It could have been so easy to pretend, but there was a difference between us: this lingering feeling in our hearts of what could have been but now, wasn't. We knew it couldn't have worked.

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i keep this blog for my own unbiased thoughts. This has always been helpful in sorting out how i feel - I'm sorry to say that i know this blog isn't for my readers, it's for me. Thing is, when you talk to people(friends, family etc) about your life, the moments you're going through - you choose to leave some things in, or to exaggerate on others. You choose to pretend that you are feeling other ways, rather than this feeling. You choose to smile than to cry. It is impossible to be entirely truthful to another person. It is only natural for us to mask some things over others. It is only you, i mean only you, that knows everything you've been through, and every tiny little feelings you might be feeling right now.

Work's been good to me, provided me a way out of feeling useless and aimless. It gives me a good reason to pretend, to smile because it is part of my job. It's been a good distraction. I wonder how many customers could see past my pretentious smile.

However, it's always a good feeling to know that you've brought a (real) smile to their lives, even if it only lasts a macro second. Even if it is unappreciated, it is good to know I did my job right, as simple as it may be, it feels good that I provided them with no hassles, no grumpiness, no anger. I feel it is important to take these things seriously - not in terms of money (tips) but as a person, i should strive to be the best I can be, now, despite everything I'm working through. In the end, It makes me happy too for a macro-second knowing I made them smile. (each macro second adds up overtime)

p.s I still hate working long hours late into the night but this pulls me through. I guess I'm trying to see the little things in life, the more important issues that is, others before I.

But for now, I shall mourn. and it will be okay.