10 years on.

 i forgot this blog existed. I was searching for my old high school blog called burning-rain.blogspot.com. I wrote in that public journal everyday - about my mundane teenage life and I wanted to recall what it was like to be me, in my teens, to be her again. I wanted to feel if I've changed.

And the most ironic thing is; i read all these old posts and i can hardly remember that girl. Was she me? What happened to her? My past life is so different to the one I have now. I didn't realize this till now but when my father died, a part of me died with him. It burnt up with his body, it turn into ashes like his, irrecognisable, that same fire that burnt his physical body, that same fire left me. I thought i was capable of anything I could dream of and a part of me still believes that. But another part of me realises that not all dreams are meant to be achieved. Some dreams are just meant to be just that... dreams. fantasies. the Mirage in the desert. 

I don't know why it feels this way but it does. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so broken inside, I am so lost, I am feeling so hollow and my chest is so tight. And the weird thing is: i have everything I wanted for really... on physical paper. I have a lover of eight years that knows me more than I do myself, I have a home filled with things I thought I wanted, at least things to entertain me.. i have two dogs that love me endlessly and my days aren't too bad.. I make just enough money to survive, I'm never really left wondering if I will be able to feed myself or my family. 

So why does it feel like I'm so fuckin empty. and I don't know who I am anymore? Have I just been living a lie? Filling my life with things that I thought would make me happy, things that society says you should have by a certain age. What do I want? 

I want to feel free, to be bold, to feel like the universe is on my side and I'm capable of anything. I want to feel like I could do anything even if it means that I could die doing it. I want to still feel like I would do it despite knowing I could die. is that selfish? perhaps so. 

perhaps i'm not meant to have these things. perhaps I'm meant to have nothing to feel like I have everything. does that even make sense who knows. 

I just want one more fuckin hug with my dad. One more conversations to ask all the questions I was afraid of asking. to tell him I love him despite everything and that I am so sorry for allowing the world to cloud my love for him. 

i want to be bold to not be shy, to stop conforming to how the world views me. 

to stop reaffirming that I am that person

to set fucking boundaries and stick to it because It benefits me; when then benefits the people around me and then that the world.

to fuckin live my truth. Whatever that fucking means - even if it means I die the next day living that truth. 

where does this go or what does it mean.