17. this

25th October 2010, at 9.37pm

as an artist, when you go through pain, hurt, any sort of extreme emotion, you use it, you put it into art. into good use. so here it is. words, that i will one day look back on, i never realized how important this is. to record, till i photographed. words are exactly like that, a record of the things happening now.

so make this be an official record of how i feel, my thoughts and my emotions at this exact moment.

it's been 2 years, two very hard years, i don't believe anyone knows how much we've been through but us. I'm not trying to dictate whose to blame, when everything seems to come to an end, there's always a sense of sadness, especially when those are good times, things that are hard to let go. so these are my tears, sadness, and afraid that it might not be for best because nothing in life is guaranteed. not us, not any other relationship. it's all about making the right decision for you and him, and sacrifices.

the mistakes we made, we put to rest, today. we chose to say our goodbyes, at least for now. till we work out what to do with the rest of our lives. i think loving young, is hard. it's hard when you're both so young that you yourself don't know what to do you with your own life. And if you don't even know what your future will hold, or what you want it to hold, then how can you expect someone to be in that future, that you're so uncertain of.

I'm not being cynical, just realistic. i don't think people realize how important and life changing it is when you enter into a relationship, most people go in it because they're lonely, companionship is all we crave. but think, are you willing to let yourself fall, are you willing to reveal all your flaws, and hope (and trust) they will still love you back. Are you willing to sacrifice things, to give up time(and money) for a slight chance that this would work?

I suppose, I'm trying to let myself believe that if it's meant to be, it will come back. I think this is a good thing to stick to, if it's really really love, it doesn't matter if you go separate ways now, because they'll be back. sometimes for a relationship to grow, you both need to spend time apart.

and this is what we chose to do, for now.

in my blogs, i wear my heart on my sleeve, or rather, my heart on my blog. i open this to whoever reads it, for hope they'll understand.

dearest esther,

don't be afraid to love, but also don't be afraid to let go. You know when it's time to leave, and when it is time to stay. everything happens for a reason, and it is for this reason you have to find out why. Just let it be known in time, even though it may end, you'll always come out with something new you've learnt, something positive, and to look back in the past and be able to smile instead of cry, to smile because those things happen.

as a photographer, i will have millions of pictures, that represent memories, and heartaches. it would take me a while to be able to look at those and not be sad, but i know it will stop in time.

these are just things that everyone has to go through. I think i've come a long way from breaking up, in terms of looking at it from a more positive manner, a more realistic manner.

i thank you, for everything you've done. for all the help you've given me, and for all the encouragement, and courage you've tried to put in me. I can honestly say, all the work up to now, I would have not been able to complete without you. my folios, my pictures, i can only say, i am very lucky to have you been in my life, no matter how short or how long. I'm sorry for all the hardships we've caused to each other, and that it has come to this. but i do hope you'll be happy doing all the adventures you'd hope to achieve. i do hope after all this, after everything, you'll find yourself to be happier than i could ever make you. thank you for letting me find my own way. i hope you find yours too. everything here reminds me of you. thank you for holding my hand when i couldn't walk. and for picking me up when i fall. I can find my own way now. I wouldn't have been able to be who i am today, without any of that.

as always,

with love

el