25/09

those lies that you told

eat you up inside

you spun them around

like a spider spins its trap

prey to predator

it's an addiction that slowly kills you 

like a bad drug you keep coming back

you inject it into your bloodstream

wanting to escape from the shadows in your mind

the trauma in your past lives

you try to run and hide by moving continents

on the move constantly

you attribute it to your aquarian sign

but you use it once again to escape your problems

in the moment you don't care about anyone but yourself

in the moment all you feel is elation, the ultimate feeling that you're alive

that your spirit isn't dead inside

that you are a part of this world - excited to be one

but when withdrawal comes, when it is time to leave

you are left to pick up the pieces once again

to hide all the lies you told 

it weighs heavier each time

it gets harder to breathe

you get stuck in this sinking mud

you don't deserve any help so why should you even ask for it (you never ask for help anyway) 

you put yourself in this place

it is your own responsibility to get out

but your only way of getting out is to escape and dig yourself a bigger hole 

and the only way you know to feel alive is to return to the lies you told. 

is there a god that can save you ? 

or did god place you here to keep making the same mistake till you finally learn the lesson?

or will you fail over and over again till you cannot return

till you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. 

and you wouldn't even dare to look yourself in the eyes

because you can't even face your own self - how can you let anyone see inside your soul? - 

what is this life you have created? is it a life you want to be in? 

do you have the courage to tell your truth? to be your own? 

nobody knows but yourself. it's time you let go. let be. to ask for what you need. 

not to push away when you do need. 

62. :)

absolute bliss is...

coming home to your lover after a shit day at work.

especially when your lover made you yummy food and picked you up from the train station in the cold :)

it is this.

happiness.

3.28

it's hit me.

relationships has it selfish moments.

It's that decision between your career or your relationship

Time for your friends/family or time for him/her

and it's because we can't have everything, there is always a need to balance.

so where do we place ourselves within this line ? Where does our priorities lie?

Recently, I received an email from my dad. And it's one of his usual emails, his disappointment in himself his regrets in not spending time with us when we were younger. Not having a family etc.

After a while, it gets rather tiresome. For my dad, his priority has always fallen within work/himself. But Nearly 50 years down the line, he realised that was wrong. It should have been within the family.

Maybe I'm headed the same path: putting my career before me/my relationships. But in my defense though, my career isn't just for me. It's goals aren't making money: it's about helping people who can't help themselves. It's about bringing some sort of greater awareness to the world: a minor change for the better.

There's always a separation between being a photographer and your personal life.

For me, being a photographer is my life. And I often don't understand how there is a separation. I suppose that kinda falls into between categories: documentation/everything else.

I'm trying to create a bridge between "my life/my projects": for me, photographing people that are close to me are the hardest. Documenting what I go through is difficult I suppose that is mainly why I document people's stories: not my own.

This I know is a fear I must face.

--

On another random note, I have come to realize that my relationship is falling apart. Perhaps there's too much junk in the middle that's building up this wall of complete and utter rubbish. But it's still a wall. A wall that we are building between us. A wall of shit and selfish actions (from both parties)

I feel like I'm just crawling through this. I also realize through this, how alone I really am.

And I need to somehow be okay with that. ( i thought I was, evidently not)

Like always though, I'll find a way. (i just thought for once, I had someone to rely on)

Disappointment is a bitch.

55.

love is a tough path we choose to take. i really hate my need for be loved once I choose to be in a relationship. Before that, that whole "chase stage" Its okay because I don't ever expect anything. It's only when you have expectations, you get disappointments. And sometimes you expect the impossible.

I'm normally fine with being alone. I'm a drifter. I drift through life viewing it in stages and knowing that this stage will soon pass and when it does, i will have no long term affiliations to it. I am grateful for the people that are in that stage of life that I've come across.

I don't think me as a "norm" human being brings any presence to a group of "norm" people. I guess this is the fundamental person to why I photograph outside the norm society. I feel so comfortable because I am not "norm" I take things too seriously, I am unable to feel relax because I feel there so much in this world... I rather be doing than be there.

Because I know If I was in Libya photographing the riots/chaos, and I might be starved, dirty, detained, etc. I rather be there than be with a bunch of people that talk about what they did on the weekend. [I don't mean to sound so bitchy but.... ]

I guess the reason why I don't rely on anyone or make friends easily or even if I do, it's tough for me be dependent is because they let you down eventually. and it hurts.

so I shouldn't complain that I have no one to talk to when I do need someone. It's because I don't let anyone near me.

and it's really tough when the one person that you do, you can't talk to because he is struggling himself and you're trying to be the very best you can be for him and it is oh so tough. you're struggling and he is struggling too.

I don't think I'm very strong emotionally to handle this for the both of us but I'm going to try. And I hope you pull through so you can take over when I crash.

I think this is the final test of this relationship.

I also think it kinda sucks that relationships can only end in two ways: marriage or breakup

I guess we'll see how this goes.

16 days till folio is due and I have

2 studio shoots

3 video

2 mentor assignment

1 multimedia. (folio)

can it get any worse?

bittersweet

these are the things I learn constantly over and over again:

1. Never, ever, ever, in your right mind think that you can rely on another human being.

2. Be independent, completely independent. This means:-

a) don't ask for help or even organize to share responsibilities with anyone.

b) don't ever let yourself break down due to someone's else treatment of you

c) don't ever feel like it's a bad thing that you're alone.

d) keep yourself at a distance from others

e) don't fall in love, because this defies all the rules above.

in other words, be a fucking hermit and make sure you can do everything because no one else in this entire world gives a shit about what you do. whether you fail or pass. It's absolutely nothing.

The end.

54.

i am a heartless bitch.

i'm about to lose the love of my life.

i can't believe the things I do - it all seems so blurry, like a dream, a nightmare.

for some reason, I am not feeling anything.

I think it's a defense I've created.

When it would hurt so bad, I don't feel.

but i know it will come in slow steps and when it does, i fall so hard into a pity hole.

it's my fault though, it is the consequence of what I did.

i wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me. and start afresh with me.

i am such a complete idiot.

38. circumstances

I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.

So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.

My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.

I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.

I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.

If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.

Always,

el

p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)

18. all things in life are...

absolutely beautiful.

life is incredible, at this moment.i want to take this feeling and run.

day 4

I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, because I feel so much relief and content, after a break from us. I wonder about you, about whether you're coping well. Sometimes I think about you, and I still cry a little, but thinking about life and it's wondrous things helps me look past this. I feel content,happy, the reasons are based on my self, not on us, or other relationships that I rely on. I think this is what I needed though, the time to focus on me. I'm headed the right way, career-wise. I can see the opportunities ahead, and I'm taking them, wherever it will take me. I do thank you everyday for everything you've done. I wished you realized that I wouldn't have made it here, without you. So if you're thinking, she has moved on so quickly without me, I haven't forgotten about you. I've simply chose to focus on me, rather than us. And I think you need to do that too. I wasn't able to give you the things you needed/wanted, and this was only wearing us down, as a person.

No matter what happens in the future regarding us, or you or me, just note, I will always forever be in debt to you for the things you've done for me. and vice-versa, i hope. But you know what? things happen for a reason.

perhaps, this was all I had to do for you, to allow you to see the world differently, and open your eyes to love instead of judgment. And all you were meant to do for me is hold my hand and teach me to walk.

we've done our deeds, and it's time for us to move on. this is my truest gut feeling. as harsh as I may sound.

I'm not to say I'm not grieving, I am, but I'm choosing to look at this in a more positive light... I hope you're doing okay, i sometimes get these urges to text you, but I know this is for the best that we both let it be. I miss you.

as always,

el

goodbye.

17. this

25th October 2010, at 9.37pm

as an artist, when you go through pain, hurt, any sort of extreme emotion, you use it, you put it into art. into good use. so here it is. words, that i will one day look back on, i never realized how important this is. to record, till i photographed. words are exactly like that, a record of the things happening now.

so make this be an official record of how i feel, my thoughts and my emotions at this exact moment.

it's been 2 years, two very hard years, i don't believe anyone knows how much we've been through but us. I'm not trying to dictate whose to blame, when everything seems to come to an end, there's always a sense of sadness, especially when those are good times, things that are hard to let go. so these are my tears, sadness, and afraid that it might not be for best because nothing in life is guaranteed. not us, not any other relationship. it's all about making the right decision for you and him, and sacrifices.

the mistakes we made, we put to rest, today. we chose to say our goodbyes, at least for now. till we work out what to do with the rest of our lives. i think loving young, is hard. it's hard when you're both so young that you yourself don't know what to do you with your own life. And if you don't even know what your future will hold, or what you want it to hold, then how can you expect someone to be in that future, that you're so uncertain of.

I'm not being cynical, just realistic. i don't think people realize how important and life changing it is when you enter into a relationship, most people go in it because they're lonely, companionship is all we crave. but think, are you willing to let yourself fall, are you willing to reveal all your flaws, and hope (and trust) they will still love you back. Are you willing to sacrifice things, to give up time(and money) for a slight chance that this would work?

I suppose, I'm trying to let myself believe that if it's meant to be, it will come back. I think this is a good thing to stick to, if it's really really love, it doesn't matter if you go separate ways now, because they'll be back. sometimes for a relationship to grow, you both need to spend time apart.

and this is what we chose to do, for now.

in my blogs, i wear my heart on my sleeve, or rather, my heart on my blog. i open this to whoever reads it, for hope they'll understand.

dearest esther,

don't be afraid to love, but also don't be afraid to let go. You know when it's time to leave, and when it is time to stay. everything happens for a reason, and it is for this reason you have to find out why. Just let it be known in time, even though it may end, you'll always come out with something new you've learnt, something positive, and to look back in the past and be able to smile instead of cry, to smile because those things happen.

as a photographer, i will have millions of pictures, that represent memories, and heartaches. it would take me a while to be able to look at those and not be sad, but i know it will stop in time.

these are just things that everyone has to go through. I think i've come a long way from breaking up, in terms of looking at it from a more positive manner, a more realistic manner.

i thank you, for everything you've done. for all the help you've given me, and for all the encouragement, and courage you've tried to put in me. I can honestly say, all the work up to now, I would have not been able to complete without you. my folios, my pictures, i can only say, i am very lucky to have you been in my life, no matter how short or how long. I'm sorry for all the hardships we've caused to each other, and that it has come to this. but i do hope you'll be happy doing all the adventures you'd hope to achieve. i do hope after all this, after everything, you'll find yourself to be happier than i could ever make you. thank you for letting me find my own way. i hope you find yours too. everything here reminds me of you. thank you for holding my hand when i couldn't walk. and for picking me up when i fall. I can find my own way now. I wouldn't have been able to be who i am today, without any of that.

as always,

with love

el

16. my two favourite people.

yes i consider my dog to be a person : )

nine.

love is simply love, when you fall too deep, and your vision is blurred, when you cannot see any future ahead, what you should do is let go.

i suppose it is like what they say, if its meant to be, he'll be back, if not, just take the lessons you learn under your wing and keep loving, keep falling...

why do we bother complicating things, it is love. it is meant to be enjoyable, meant to be shared, you are meant to have FUN sometimes, but instead you get all caught up with the dramas, with the blame, with the what nots and whose fault it is, you get so twisted up inside, so filled with confusion that you aren't able to simply enjoy love.

perhaps it is time to let go.. at least for now..

it's only love, afterall.. ? right?

we're so afraid of being alone.. we're so afraid of making a mistake, but how else are we meant to know that it was a mistake..? it's time to say goodbye.

----

friday, i had a really weird but amazing day. I'm trying to figure out why I am incapable of getting along with my peers (i.e youth my age...) I spent the afternoon, with a 49 year old man who suffers from schizophrenia. We talked for hours over coffee, about everything and anything. It was incredibly enlightening. We communicated on the same level of maturity, and we connected, through our similar experiences. I'm only 19, i suppose it really isn't normal to be feel so incredibly connected to someone who is 30 years older than you..

Weird.

we have become friends, i hope this continues. I need a little intellectuality in my life, sometimes, at least to talk about the deeper and more meaningful things without being too emotionally attached. It is incredible, i wonder if it is just me, and my constant questioning, or is it just that the past few years has made me so aware of cultural differences, of.. society, i appreciate how much it has changed me and made me.. grow.

I wish everyone would stop judging and just learn to love, and not be afraid of the unknown, that some strangers could be your best friend, that all we need to do in the world is to make time to listen, and love. Stop your daily routine for once, and stop rushing. Take time to breathe, to smile at a stranger, to make conversation, to actually perhaps ask that beggar on the street what is his story. All anyone ever wants is for someone to show that they care....

incredible.

always,

el

p.s: i do apologise for lack of photographs, I'm trying to keep Carrical images away from here... it will be shown when i can :) Also, i'm running really behind my assignments.. bare with me.

eight

struggling with this concept we know as love.

this has been the most exhausting week for me, physically and emotionally tired. I've skipped two classes out of 4 this week, that is half my classes. and I have about 5 assignments due next week and each one i have not yet started. I've been sleeping at 1am the earliest this week... and I'm just so completely tired.... I just want to sleep all the time, sleep away my problems, my exhaustion, my mind. It hurts my mind when i think, but i honestly cannot stop thinking. Usually, i can distract myself with other things, but not.. the past week.. i guess i've sorta come to realise that perhaps i don't love, i just crave companionship. i don't know really. it's 1am again, and i'm awake. No classes tomorrow but i have Carrical. I should probably go, at least it might brighten up my day.

i kinda just wanna crawl into my bed and stay there, perhaps wait till someone finds me... i have this urge to travel somewhere, i think if next week i have the weekend off.. i might just fly somewhere, who knows....

goodnight. i do apologise for my whiny rants about my life, i promise once this week is over, i'll start writing/posting up happy things :)

always,

el

seven

i am completely caught in between, i hope this short break would help clear my mind. i feel so turned upside down, last week was a great start to the week, this week is the complete opposite. these downs, bring me to complete exhaustion. and it is only tuesday, today.

i'm confused: i always believe that when you love, you want to protect the person you love from hurt/pain. you want to be their knight in shining armor, i don't understand why you didn't do that for me, even though you said you wanted to.

is it normal to feel so clammed up in a bad situation that you don't know what to do so you run and hide instead, i just always believed that you wouldn't do that to me.

then again, love makes you do stupid things. i don't know if we should end.

always,

el

six

i know i just blogged a while ago. but this just dawned on me:

reasons why we don't seem to work anymore:

1. our relationship depended on different things - that now has simply disappeared.

you - God/companionship

me - trust

2. we want different things

me - i want to be able to talk to you about the world, about my feelings, about my thoughts and have you respond to me in a way that i feel that its okay for me to feel this way, rather than for me to feel that i always 'overthink' things.

you - you want a simple life, you prefer easy communication - predictable if you like.

3. we are different people.

you - simple, easy, unquestioning, closed, alone,

me - open, questioning, i need people. i need to feel loved. i am complicated.

4. we respond differently to bad situations.

you - want to run away, let it simmer.

me - rather would settle it, talk it out (whether in anger or not)

5. guilt/expecations

enough said really.

6. we have different lives

we live far, we have only our communication over the internet/phone, you are not good at communicating.

thus, relationship = no communication whatsoever

---

i want to be able to stand with you and have nothing to hide, at all.

but we don't always get what we want do we.. ?

always,

el

five

mistakes i've made in the past that i wish i never did:

1. let a boy(s) into my heart

2. gave people the benefit of doubt

3. not standing up for myself

4. not believing in my own capabilities

but most importantly, i regret trusting that you would be there when i fall. i regret relying on you so much, i regret believing that you would stand up for me when there was need to. If i did not believe you would, then perhaps i wouldn't be in so much hurt and disappointment in you.

that night, completely changed everything. It confirm everything I was suspicious of. run little boy run.

always,

el