55.

love is a tough path we choose to take. i really hate my need for be loved once I choose to be in a relationship. Before that, that whole "chase stage" Its okay because I don't ever expect anything. It's only when you have expectations, you get disappointments. And sometimes you expect the impossible.

I'm normally fine with being alone. I'm a drifter. I drift through life viewing it in stages and knowing that this stage will soon pass and when it does, i will have no long term affiliations to it. I am grateful for the people that are in that stage of life that I've come across.

I don't think me as a "norm" human being brings any presence to a group of "norm" people. I guess this is the fundamental person to why I photograph outside the norm society. I feel so comfortable because I am not "norm" I take things too seriously, I am unable to feel relax because I feel there so much in this world... I rather be doing than be there.

Because I know If I was in Libya photographing the riots/chaos, and I might be starved, dirty, detained, etc. I rather be there than be with a bunch of people that talk about what they did on the weekend. [I don't mean to sound so bitchy but.... ]

I guess the reason why I don't rely on anyone or make friends easily or even if I do, it's tough for me be dependent is because they let you down eventually. and it hurts.

so I shouldn't complain that I have no one to talk to when I do need someone. It's because I don't let anyone near me.

and it's really tough when the one person that you do, you can't talk to because he is struggling himself and you're trying to be the very best you can be for him and it is oh so tough. you're struggling and he is struggling too.

I don't think I'm very strong emotionally to handle this for the both of us but I'm going to try. And I hope you pull through so you can take over when I crash.

I think this is the final test of this relationship.

I also think it kinda sucks that relationships can only end in two ways: marriage or breakup

I guess we'll see how this goes.

16 days till folio is due and I have

2 studio shoots

3 video

2 mentor assignment

1 multimedia. (folio)

can it get any worse?

25. traded my friends for experiences

i was thinking today, because of my sudden departure from brunei - i left a lot of friendships behind - i basically went M.I.A literally packed up and left, without realizing how damaging this would be to myself and my friendships. I struggled with the idea of letting go, hanging on, and the inbetweens. I decided to just let it be, the friendships that are worth it will always be there - all other friends are people you come across the way and their only purpose is to provide you with something for a short amount of time and leave, they are not meant to stay, they are the kinds of people that walk in, and walk out.

And I struggled with that a lot. But now, looking back, I think I've come a long way. These things don't hurt me anymore, i don't care if people think about me, or if people miss me or if they miss my friendship with them. It doesn't matter to me because if I cared enough for them or them for me, it would happen - if it doesn't then, well, it was never right to begin with.

i don't want to be a people pleaser. i don't want to be the most popular kid in school - that takes a lot of effort not to step on people's toes.

I'm not saying that i don't appreciate the friendships I had, i have just come to terms with letting it die away. we move on and we go our separate ways. we experience different things, it's alright. i don't feel the guilt and the disappointment anymore.

I've also come to understand and appreciate because of this, my situation, i gain an undeniable amount of life experience. The things I've gone through in the ages of 16 to now has been incredible. Mentally, I think I've found my identity, my self, who I want to be and how to get there. I'm not lost anymore, I have a purpose in life and I honestly wouldn't be here if I had not gone through the things I did. Its all part of life and its lessons. It's so important to embrace it and learn from it. I guess, a lot of people can't come to terms with it. It's important to dwell on your life, and to see what aspect of your life you can change for the better. It is important to question, but as well - it is also important to be able to embrace changes, and to actually take action instead of just thinking and questioning.

We have brains to think but we also have hands to do things with.

-----

today i had an excellent interview - I hope i get this job, it would be really interesting and challenging but highly rewarding. tonight, i will let myself feel proud of the achievements I've made in my life, and I will enjoy it, and take praise from it. Tonight is a night of appreciation - it is not a night of questioning what i can do better ( i do that every other day) or the things I should have done better (again, practically every hour), it is a night where I take time to sit back and be proud of who I am and everything I've come to be.

I'm only 19. I'm only 19.

el