42. you're my little secret

I feel at this stage in my life, I'm just a drifter. I'm drifting on my little boat, filled with my wishes, and hopes and dreams. It is all that is keeping me afloat till i reach my paradise. And when I finally do arrive there, then I will feel that I've started living.

goodnight,

El.

p.s: this contradicts my belief of living my life to the fullest each day, but my life is full of contradictions, so it fits somewhat.

39. bittersweet

So, another year has passed. I'm twenty now. I realized today, that we are all searching for that one thing to hold on to. For some, its their faith in God, for others, it is love, career or the future. We all need something to work towards to, otherwise life would be deemed meaningless. We all need faith and hope.

--

For a twenty year old, I am unable to socialize like I used to. I don't think I can possibly explain to anyone or myself how much those 2 years in Stawell changed me. It made me reclusive, to the point I couldn't relate to anyone (of my own age). To relate to people, you need to be personal. I can't be personal. I feel like my life here in Australia is a hinder. Being a part of Australian culture, or heritage fills me with hatred and discomfort.

It's been 4 years now, I am grateful that being here provided me with so many more opportunities I couldn't have possibly had if I was in Brunei. I know however, in my heart, that no matter how long I would have lived here, Australia is a place I will never ever feel comfortable in. It will never be my home.

I'm starting to think I'm better off being a hermit. I think that is why I hate birthdays. It's more about the people you spend it with. It just so turned out that the few people I want to spend my birthday with. I couldn't because I was here in this god damn country.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter, dear readers. It is the way I've been feeling. I feel bitter and angry. I'm disappointed in the way my life is. I know it is dumb because I have a lot going for myself. I just for once, would like to have a perfect group of friends that I could chill in the backyard with some beers, enjoying the warm night and talking about nothing important (but we are all comfortable with it)

I am sick of friends who call themselves friends yet they cancel on you, or deemed you less important than their other friends. I am tired of making an effort, when to be honest, I really don't care if I am friends with you or not. (I would rather you not refer to me as being your friend)

Today(day after my birthday) was a bad day. I try very hard not to be bitter or angry at the world. At people I don't even know. I promised i would be more positive, I would take happiness from the little joys in life. It was going so well for a while. Then I crashed. It's life isn't it? One moment you could be on top of the world, and the other, stuck in a crater covered with ashes and dirt. It's about balance, I know all this. But for once for fucking God's sake, will you just let me have a perfect birthday.

--

Okay, that's enough bitterness for one weekend. It's time for a trip out of this country, I say.

38. circumstances

I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.

So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.

My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.

I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.

I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.

If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.

Always,

el

p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)

29. festive seasons and being alone

tonight, i feel a little alone. It's a different time of lonely, it's a quiet night. Silence fills this house. It surprises me how much a person contributes to its space, the environment around them. This house feels a little lost without my grandmother. There's no light here - the living room sits empty. She wasn't the loudest person, in fact, she was so quiet at times you did not realize she is around. But with her gone, there's no light, no joy, no feeling of 'home'.

if i had someone to enjoy it with, tonight would be the night i would say come, let's go for a run. let's go to the park and lay down on the grass and watch the world go by. let's sit by the bridge and watch the river flow. let's ride the trains till it hits the end of their depot.

i'm falling a bit out of my busy cycle - I'm trying to be patient and not do anything and give myself a little break. I'm itching to do things, always. Christmas is coming up, I have to say I hate these festive seasons... it's always about being together with people you loved. That's hard to do when the people you love are not around/don't exist.

I never really had a connection with my own family - sure I know they will be there to welcome me with open arms. But they are definitely not the people I would go to for help. They do not know who I am, my dreams, my wishes, my struggles. They do not understand. I think its my way of coping with being the person I am. I distance myself from them because my way of thinking and living will not be right in their eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. It's a lot better now than it was before but there still no connection.

I will say this now, sometimes I wish my life was a bit simpler. It's always been complicated, and I don't mind a bit of complexity but sometimes I would just like a break from it all, I want to feel content (even if that means I be boring for a while) I want to have friends I can go have coffee with weekly, I want to be in a town I grew up in, to recognise all the streets and be able to attach a memory to them. A long term memory - a memory that means something.

I hate this. This feeling of fleeting, running, the need to change. It's because I hate being in one place for too long, I've been in Australia for coming 4 years on 26th Dec. I need to move, to travel, to be seeing new things everyday. It's so hard to do this when you're stuck in a routine.. I haven't been out of Australia for 3 years and I'm itching...

I wish my little legs could take me to the ends of the earth and back. I would walk just to escape. I want the bohemian living - the carefree. My family, my mother especially ties me down here. I get frustrated with closed minds, and it so happens that my mother won't ever see past 'her view', it's saddens me because there's so much to life that she's missing out.

I won't ever let myself fall into that. As much as I love her, I hope I be a better version of her.

i hope i will someday, find the contentment I seek.

as always,
el

25. traded my friends for experiences

i was thinking today, because of my sudden departure from brunei - i left a lot of friendships behind - i basically went M.I.A literally packed up and left, without realizing how damaging this would be to myself and my friendships. I struggled with the idea of letting go, hanging on, and the inbetweens. I decided to just let it be, the friendships that are worth it will always be there - all other friends are people you come across the way and their only purpose is to provide you with something for a short amount of time and leave, they are not meant to stay, they are the kinds of people that walk in, and walk out.

And I struggled with that a lot. But now, looking back, I think I've come a long way. These things don't hurt me anymore, i don't care if people think about me, or if people miss me or if they miss my friendship with them. It doesn't matter to me because if I cared enough for them or them for me, it would happen - if it doesn't then, well, it was never right to begin with.

i don't want to be a people pleaser. i don't want to be the most popular kid in school - that takes a lot of effort not to step on people's toes.

I'm not saying that i don't appreciate the friendships I had, i have just come to terms with letting it die away. we move on and we go our separate ways. we experience different things, it's alright. i don't feel the guilt and the disappointment anymore.

I've also come to understand and appreciate because of this, my situation, i gain an undeniable amount of life experience. The things I've gone through in the ages of 16 to now has been incredible. Mentally, I think I've found my identity, my self, who I want to be and how to get there. I'm not lost anymore, I have a purpose in life and I honestly wouldn't be here if I had not gone through the things I did. Its all part of life and its lessons. It's so important to embrace it and learn from it. I guess, a lot of people can't come to terms with it. It's important to dwell on your life, and to see what aspect of your life you can change for the better. It is important to question, but as well - it is also important to be able to embrace changes, and to actually take action instead of just thinking and questioning.

We have brains to think but we also have hands to do things with.

-----

today i had an excellent interview - I hope i get this job, it would be really interesting and challenging but highly rewarding. tonight, i will let myself feel proud of the achievements I've made in my life, and I will enjoy it, and take praise from it. Tonight is a night of appreciation - it is not a night of questioning what i can do better ( i do that every other day) or the things I should have done better (again, practically every hour), it is a night where I take time to sit back and be proud of who I am and everything I've come to be.

I'm only 19. I'm only 19.

el

23. the greatest

i realise something the other day, my greatest and most important trait is compassion. it is also my weakness, depending on the way you see the world. i am who i am because of my compassion for people. i've come to embrace it rather than reject it for being too emotional, for trying to put up a wall of what I thought was 'being strong'

but i, now see i rather cry and feel too much than be cold and unresponsive. to feel is to live. if you don't let yourself feel, be it pain, hurt, happiness, joy, or anger, then you are not alive.

el

15. every man for himself.

fight or flight?

it is in our mind, embedded in us, our natural instincts. When it comes to facing your fear, or facing things that simply has to be done, what do you do? Do you stay and ride it out, or do you run and hope it never surfaces? i come from a family that shoves everything under the carpet, till it grows into this gigantic mess then it all snaps. Unfortunately it doesn't take very long for it to snap. I believed that it's good to talk through your anger, your emotions, as upset as you may be, it's good to talk it through (and perhaps hurl a few insults). It's healthy to release emotions, rather than to bottle it all up inside and never let it expose. In relationships especially, it is not good to run, or to hang up the phone simply because you're angry. What good does that do? Absolutely nothing, sure it may calm you down for that moment but it will built anger in the other person. I've fallen into this disgusting trap of running away, hanging up the phone because I simply just cannot stand talking it through anymore. It doesn't work.

I've hit an absolute massive brick wall, and I don't have the energy to climb or drill through it anymore. I'm starting to reach the point where I feel that I have to be there for myself, not for anyone else, not to depend on anyone else to be there for me. I need to fall on my own, to graze my knees and not wait for someone to put out their hand to help me up. I feel like I need independence. It is absolutely lucky that i don't drive (for others sake) because if i do, my bags would be packed, i would be gone. Someday, this is going to happen if this keeps going. I just want to leave this place, the people I know, family, so called friends, everything I have ever known, the whole familiarity, and just go.

I don't even care where I will be heading, I just need to leave.

I need to find my 'home'

12. mistakes are there to teach us

i find myself incredibly burden by my thoughts, i think way too much for my own mental health, it's about friendships. when i first came over to Australia, i was going through a major time of my life: where i was so self-involved with trying to cope with this new world that i chose to avoid and ignore everyone back in brunei(unconsciously or consciously, who knows?) But i think i was going through this state of mind, where i believed that no one really truly care about the matter of my whereabouts, or the state I'm in.

which explains my disappearance for two years and a bit.

i guess i figured that if i wanted to disappear and be gone forever this would be the time. No one would care, no one would find out where i was...

the reason why i was so self involved, was because i was trying to adjust to this new world,i remember feeling so incredibly lost with nothing strong to hold grasp of. there was no clear identity of who i am, but rather the decision on who you should be.

i learn to cope by changing myself, the way i speak, the way i dress, my terminology.

but somewhere along the line, it fell apart; and this identity i set up for me wasn't really me.

this makes me so incredibly aware of being a misfit.

I don't think anyone i personally know really understands this feeling, i try not to dwell on it too much but it's one of those things that you have to deal with everyday because it is right in front of you.

i suppose i should stop thinking too much, like i said too much for my own mental health.

goodnight people,

as always,

el

11. these days

it's been a while since i wrote, assignments seem to be piling up. The latest news so far, is that I've handed in my two weeks notice into work. My final day is October the 7th. A day before a two year anniversary. Life has sorta been up and down. It's been good days.. trying to find my feet, to find the right people to be friends with. sort of.

there's still a bit of adjustment period, i suppose. But all i know is that i have to keep trying. it's too hard sometimes. At the moment I'm struggling to complete my assignments; i've reverted back to polaroids. 

Home, life at home has been good. My grandmother is here, i enjoy having her around. It feels like home. tis is a good feeling. 

I feel like I haven't been to Carrical in two weeks. It's really weird but i feel so at home, when talking to Alan, or to James, especially to Conrad. Misfits in society, perhaps I'm just like them. A misfit, one that will never fit into what we deem as normal society. There's always 'something wrong' like an aura being emitted from you. 

something. 

I was introduced to this guy's work, 'Kip Fulbeck: The Hapa Project'

incredibly inspiring. Anyone, who suffers from a hybrid/split identity, should have a look at this. He photographs people, against a white background, simple honest portraits. Then he asks him to answer a question 'What are you?' Their responses are written and placed under the photograph. 

I feel a bit lost in this western society, Australia and it's educational values are so based around western ideals and themes. I get so tired of being different sometimes. Especially at uni, I'm so exhausted, I hate being here sometimes. The only thing that keeps me going is the things I'm learning, but at the same time, some lecturers are so completely closed minded (just like most of the students) 

i suppose the only way I can get over this, is to find a misfit society that i can fit into or embrace it and simply let it go....

somehow i don't see any way. 

gotta run, class has started.

as always,

el 

two.

a battle in my mind.

i've always found it difficult to fall asleep. it's always just before i sleep, my mind is the most active. I've tried to write it all down so it would be clear and i could drift off to a dreamless sleep, but it doesn't ever work. Oh, the irony. I'm going to be writing most of my blogs late at night because i cant sleep. haha.

everyday seems like a struggle. a struggle to stay positive, to find some sort of meaning to my everyday life, and to do something productive each day. Today, we had to stick our photos for group assessment in class. I don't know about other photographers, but as i progress as a photographer, i find it even more terrifying when my work gets shown to others. It really is another aspect of my life that i have to work on: the confidence. The point is, today some people actually liked my photograph. these are people whose in my opinion, is a tremendous photographer of their own right. it is a good feeling.

i'm writing this down because moments like these i often forget. I've always been a thinker from the get go. i believe i am my harshest critique. Because of this, i tend to forget about everything positive, and simply focus on everything that is wrong, bad. my ears(technically, my mind) are immune to anything good. i know I'm not the only one that goes through this;another example today, my lecturer was asking us to critique our own images but to always start with the positives. maybe it's just photographers, who knows.

on another note, i have been in bed since 9.30pm(lights off and just laying in bed) but 2 hours and 30 minutes has passed and look where i am.

'i am a visual communicator but i communicate best through words. for if words don't exist, where would we be? stuck in a abyss of misunderstanding.'

always,

el