25/09

those lies that you told

eat you up inside

you spun them around

like a spider spins its trap

prey to predator

it's an addiction that slowly kills you 

like a bad drug you keep coming back

you inject it into your bloodstream

wanting to escape from the shadows in your mind

the trauma in your past lives

you try to run and hide by moving continents

on the move constantly

you attribute it to your aquarian sign

but you use it once again to escape your problems

in the moment you don't care about anyone but yourself

in the moment all you feel is elation, the ultimate feeling that you're alive

that your spirit isn't dead inside

that you are a part of this world - excited to be one

but when withdrawal comes, when it is time to leave

you are left to pick up the pieces once again

to hide all the lies you told 

it weighs heavier each time

it gets harder to breathe

you get stuck in this sinking mud

you don't deserve any help so why should you even ask for it (you never ask for help anyway) 

you put yourself in this place

it is your own responsibility to get out

but your only way of getting out is to escape and dig yourself a bigger hole 

and the only way you know to feel alive is to return to the lies you told. 

is there a god that can save you ? 

or did god place you here to keep making the same mistake till you finally learn the lesson?

or will you fail over and over again till you cannot return

till you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. 

and you wouldn't even dare to look yourself in the eyes

because you can't even face your own self - how can you let anyone see inside your soul? - 

what is this life you have created? is it a life you want to be in? 

do you have the courage to tell your truth? to be your own? 

nobody knows but yourself. it's time you let go. let be. to ask for what you need. 

not to push away when you do need. 

54.

i am a heartless bitch.

i'm about to lose the love of my life.

i can't believe the things I do - it all seems so blurry, like a dream, a nightmare.

for some reason, I am not feeling anything.

I think it's a defense I've created.

When it would hurt so bad, I don't feel.

but i know it will come in slow steps and when it does, i fall so hard into a pity hole.

it's my fault though, it is the consequence of what I did.

i wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me. and start afresh with me.

i am such a complete idiot.

44. rambles

I've got two weeks left to the start of my final year. It's terrifying yet I can't wait to see what this year brings me. I feel something big is simmering slowly, I can barely wait to ride this wave, to hit that high. So far, life has been good, two months went by real quickly. Melbourne's summer this year was disappointing.

I realized today how lucky I am. I don't have to go out in the world to find my one true love, the person I want to spend forever with. Even so, life feels contented. (Though I still have several things to check off my list)

Also, I love technology :) (particularly the iphone ! )

Gotta get running for a early quick shoot!

I'll write a proper post later!

el

p.s check out what I shot last tuesday.

23. the greatest

i realise something the other day, my greatest and most important trait is compassion. it is also my weakness, depending on the way you see the world. i am who i am because of my compassion for people. i've come to embrace it rather than reject it for being too emotional, for trying to put up a wall of what I thought was 'being strong'

but i, now see i rather cry and feel too much than be cold and unresponsive. to feel is to live. if you don't let yourself feel, be it pain, hurt, happiness, joy, or anger, then you are not alive.

el