25/09

those lies that you told

eat you up inside

you spun them around

like a spider spins its trap

prey to predator

it's an addiction that slowly kills you 

like a bad drug you keep coming back

you inject it into your bloodstream

wanting to escape from the shadows in your mind

the trauma in your past lives

you try to run and hide by moving continents

on the move constantly

you attribute it to your aquarian sign

but you use it once again to escape your problems

in the moment you don't care about anyone but yourself

in the moment all you feel is elation, the ultimate feeling that you're alive

that your spirit isn't dead inside

that you are a part of this world - excited to be one

but when withdrawal comes, when it is time to leave

you are left to pick up the pieces once again

to hide all the lies you told 

it weighs heavier each time

it gets harder to breathe

you get stuck in this sinking mud

you don't deserve any help so why should you even ask for it (you never ask for help anyway) 

you put yourself in this place

it is your own responsibility to get out

but your only way of getting out is to escape and dig yourself a bigger hole 

and the only way you know to feel alive is to return to the lies you told. 

is there a god that can save you ? 

or did god place you here to keep making the same mistake till you finally learn the lesson?

or will you fail over and over again till you cannot return

till you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. 

and you wouldn't even dare to look yourself in the eyes

because you can't even face your own self - how can you let anyone see inside your soul? - 

what is this life you have created? is it a life you want to be in? 

do you have the courage to tell your truth? to be your own? 

nobody knows but yourself. it's time you let go. let be. to ask for what you need. 

not to push away when you do need. 

55.

love is a tough path we choose to take. i really hate my need for be loved once I choose to be in a relationship. Before that, that whole "chase stage" Its okay because I don't ever expect anything. It's only when you have expectations, you get disappointments. And sometimes you expect the impossible.

I'm normally fine with being alone. I'm a drifter. I drift through life viewing it in stages and knowing that this stage will soon pass and when it does, i will have no long term affiliations to it. I am grateful for the people that are in that stage of life that I've come across.

I don't think me as a "norm" human being brings any presence to a group of "norm" people. I guess this is the fundamental person to why I photograph outside the norm society. I feel so comfortable because I am not "norm" I take things too seriously, I am unable to feel relax because I feel there so much in this world... I rather be doing than be there.

Because I know If I was in Libya photographing the riots/chaos, and I might be starved, dirty, detained, etc. I rather be there than be with a bunch of people that talk about what they did on the weekend. [I don't mean to sound so bitchy but.... ]

I guess the reason why I don't rely on anyone or make friends easily or even if I do, it's tough for me be dependent is because they let you down eventually. and it hurts.

so I shouldn't complain that I have no one to talk to when I do need someone. It's because I don't let anyone near me.

and it's really tough when the one person that you do, you can't talk to because he is struggling himself and you're trying to be the very best you can be for him and it is oh so tough. you're struggling and he is struggling too.

I don't think I'm very strong emotionally to handle this for the both of us but I'm going to try. And I hope you pull through so you can take over when I crash.

I think this is the final test of this relationship.

I also think it kinda sucks that relationships can only end in two ways: marriage or breakup

I guess we'll see how this goes.

16 days till folio is due and I have

2 studio shoots

3 video

2 mentor assignment

1 multimedia. (folio)

can it get any worse?

52. i feel

i feel like I'm mourning the death of something,

I'm not sure what it could possibly be but something died.

and i'm really feeling it.

its winter, it's cold.

Winter only makes me miss you more. It's going to be a harsh 6 months...

can't wait till 2011 is completely over.

39. bittersweet

So, another year has passed. I'm twenty now. I realized today, that we are all searching for that one thing to hold on to. For some, its their faith in God, for others, it is love, career or the future. We all need something to work towards to, otherwise life would be deemed meaningless. We all need faith and hope.

--

For a twenty year old, I am unable to socialize like I used to. I don't think I can possibly explain to anyone or myself how much those 2 years in Stawell changed me. It made me reclusive, to the point I couldn't relate to anyone (of my own age). To relate to people, you need to be personal. I can't be personal. I feel like my life here in Australia is a hinder. Being a part of Australian culture, or heritage fills me with hatred and discomfort.

It's been 4 years now, I am grateful that being here provided me with so many more opportunities I couldn't have possibly had if I was in Brunei. I know however, in my heart, that no matter how long I would have lived here, Australia is a place I will never ever feel comfortable in. It will never be my home.

I'm starting to think I'm better off being a hermit. I think that is why I hate birthdays. It's more about the people you spend it with. It just so turned out that the few people I want to spend my birthday with. I couldn't because I was here in this god damn country.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter, dear readers. It is the way I've been feeling. I feel bitter and angry. I'm disappointed in the way my life is. I know it is dumb because I have a lot going for myself. I just for once, would like to have a perfect group of friends that I could chill in the backyard with some beers, enjoying the warm night and talking about nothing important (but we are all comfortable with it)

I am sick of friends who call themselves friends yet they cancel on you, or deemed you less important than their other friends. I am tired of making an effort, when to be honest, I really don't care if I am friends with you or not. (I would rather you not refer to me as being your friend)

Today(day after my birthday) was a bad day. I try very hard not to be bitter or angry at the world. At people I don't even know. I promised i would be more positive, I would take happiness from the little joys in life. It was going so well for a while. Then I crashed. It's life isn't it? One moment you could be on top of the world, and the other, stuck in a crater covered with ashes and dirt. It's about balance, I know all this. But for once for fucking God's sake, will you just let me have a perfect birthday.

--

Okay, that's enough bitterness for one weekend. It's time for a trip out of this country, I say.

38. circumstances

I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.

So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.

My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.

I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.

I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.

If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.

Always,

el

p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)

35. Christmas

I usually have no emotion for Christmas traditions. I've been reflecting a lot on my family and its dysfunctional ways. In terms of holidays and vacations, I avoid it. For as long as I can remember, it never works out well in the end. It ends up being tiresome, exhausting and just plain uncomfortable. I spent my Christmas Eve eating dinner with my brother alone. It sounds pretty pathetic but it was actually rather enjoyable.

We talked and reflect on our past lives - we found common ground in our childhood, we laughed and we discuss future trips. It was like talking to an old friend. It felt rather strange because family is something we all take for granted, or we are too close to let ourselves feel. It's relatively easy making friends, sharing common experiences etc but when it comes to family, we get ourselves too comfortable with our daily living rather than focusing on what really matters.

I've always been close to him but we kinda drifted through life. It's always nice to know that there's at least one person in your family that you can count on. He's my shoulder to cry on when I need him.

Before I start to get all teary eyed and drifting into a different topic, my point of this was to say despite my lack of Christmas spirit, this year felt a little different. It felt nearly normal. I did the late night 24 hour Christmas shopping on the 23rd from 1am-5am. All that walking and long hours was worth it. I finally kinda understand the importance of Christmas presents - it's a gesture of affection, care, love - everything we don't say to each other packed into this one gift that I so painstakingly searched for and carefully wrapped.

Today is a good day, and i hope your Christmas is lovely too. If you're spending it alone, go out in the world and do something for yourself and for others, strangers. Make someone smile, that could be a gift to yourself. If you're spending it with family, and you all have already started arguing over nothing, appreciate that despite their flaws, they are still family - appreciate it and love. Stop to take a breath and just be grateful for living. Merry Christmas, everyone.

as always,

el

32.

I'm tired of feeling inadequate.

--

31. i'm spending all my money to get to where you are

i would tell you
but it looks like you left for good
and you didn't say goodbye
imagine it next time i would see your smile
and oh i know it so well.

- The Little Stevies, Ticket To Where You Are.

----

i can't sleep. 3.38am & I'm wide awake. Something is bothering me, I'm not sure what.I wish 2012 would be here rather than 2011. Another thousand dollars and i can book my ticket.

Everything is always okay.If it isn't, it will be.

el

29. festive seasons and being alone

tonight, i feel a little alone. It's a different time of lonely, it's a quiet night. Silence fills this house. It surprises me how much a person contributes to its space, the environment around them. This house feels a little lost without my grandmother. There's no light here - the living room sits empty. She wasn't the loudest person, in fact, she was so quiet at times you did not realize she is around. But with her gone, there's no light, no joy, no feeling of 'home'.

if i had someone to enjoy it with, tonight would be the night i would say come, let's go for a run. let's go to the park and lay down on the grass and watch the world go by. let's sit by the bridge and watch the river flow. let's ride the trains till it hits the end of their depot.

i'm falling a bit out of my busy cycle - I'm trying to be patient and not do anything and give myself a little break. I'm itching to do things, always. Christmas is coming up, I have to say I hate these festive seasons... it's always about being together with people you loved. That's hard to do when the people you love are not around/don't exist.

I never really had a connection with my own family - sure I know they will be there to welcome me with open arms. But they are definitely not the people I would go to for help. They do not know who I am, my dreams, my wishes, my struggles. They do not understand. I think its my way of coping with being the person I am. I distance myself from them because my way of thinking and living will not be right in their eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. It's a lot better now than it was before but there still no connection.

I will say this now, sometimes I wish my life was a bit simpler. It's always been complicated, and I don't mind a bit of complexity but sometimes I would just like a break from it all, I want to feel content (even if that means I be boring for a while) I want to have friends I can go have coffee with weekly, I want to be in a town I grew up in, to recognise all the streets and be able to attach a memory to them. A long term memory - a memory that means something.

I hate this. This feeling of fleeting, running, the need to change. It's because I hate being in one place for too long, I've been in Australia for coming 4 years on 26th Dec. I need to move, to travel, to be seeing new things everyday. It's so hard to do this when you're stuck in a routine.. I haven't been out of Australia for 3 years and I'm itching...

I wish my little legs could take me to the ends of the earth and back. I would walk just to escape. I want the bohemian living - the carefree. My family, my mother especially ties me down here. I get frustrated with closed minds, and it so happens that my mother won't ever see past 'her view', it's saddens me because there's so much to life that she's missing out.

I won't ever let myself fall into that. As much as I love her, I hope I be a better version of her.

i hope i will someday, find the contentment I seek.

as always,
el

28. on saying goodbye

i understand now why it is best not to see each other for a while after you break up. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would be. To be honest, I'm still hurting now. It's more of, mourning the loss of a loved one. The kind of tears that you cry when you know there's nothing you can do but say goodbye.

This is the first time I've let myself feel this, now. Being vulnerable. It's so easy to not feel when you're busy with life - the routine, the mundane. We had a sort of final date goodbye. Strange feelings, it's so easy to fall into what you have known for the past 2 years. The way his hand feels in yours, or the smell of his deodorant. His hugs and cuddles. Knowing what he is thinking just by looking at his face. His kisses. his arms around your waist. I see things a tad different too, you learn to appreciate the little things, the way he tells me to bring a jacket because it gets cold, or his way of holding me back because there might be cars ahead. It's been too long. It could have been so easy to pretend, but there was a difference between us: this lingering feeling in our hearts of what could have been but now, wasn't. We knew it couldn't have worked.

--

i keep this blog for my own unbiased thoughts. This has always been helpful in sorting out how i feel - I'm sorry to say that i know this blog isn't for my readers, it's for me. Thing is, when you talk to people(friends, family etc) about your life, the moments you're going through - you choose to leave some things in, or to exaggerate on others. You choose to pretend that you are feeling other ways, rather than this feeling. You choose to smile than to cry. It is impossible to be entirely truthful to another person. It is only natural for us to mask some things over others. It is only you, i mean only you, that knows everything you've been through, and every tiny little feelings you might be feeling right now.

Work's been good to me, provided me a way out of feeling useless and aimless. It gives me a good reason to pretend, to smile because it is part of my job. It's been a good distraction. I wonder how many customers could see past my pretentious smile.

However, it's always a good feeling to know that you've brought a (real) smile to their lives, even if it only lasts a macro second. Even if it is unappreciated, it is good to know I did my job right, as simple as it may be, it feels good that I provided them with no hassles, no grumpiness, no anger. I feel it is important to take these things seriously - not in terms of money (tips) but as a person, i should strive to be the best I can be, now, despite everything I'm working through. In the end, It makes me happy too for a macro-second knowing I made them smile. (each macro second adds up overtime)

p.s I still hate working long hours late into the night but this pulls me through. I guess I'm trying to see the little things in life, the more important issues that is, others before I.

But for now, I shall mourn. and it will be okay.

21. yesterday

was the first day i actually missed you.

and today is the same.

x

20. I

i know I am meant for greater things, i can feel it the future. I'm going to do some absolutely incredible, life changing, these are just days of paving stone. a transitional progress, a steep learning curve. Everyday is an opportunity to learn, there's so much knowledge that we don't know about, why not learn while we're still here. Someday, you'll see me on the front page. I can feel it. watch out world, here i come. :)

always,

el

19. and the nights are cold

it has been one of those days, it feels empty. but a bittersweet empty. It started out being frustrating, moved on swiftly to nothing, today has been a very unproductive day. I took photographs because i needed to feel like what i do is enough for me, enough to be contented. It's something I cherish, this feeling that today might have been an empty day, but days like these will always come and it will always go. At least today, i created a photograph, one that I shall never be able to capture again.

18. all things in life are...

absolutely beautiful.

life is incredible, at this moment.i want to take this feeling and run.

day 4

I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, because I feel so much relief and content, after a break from us. I wonder about you, about whether you're coping well. Sometimes I think about you, and I still cry a little, but thinking about life and it's wondrous things helps me look past this. I feel content,happy, the reasons are based on my self, not on us, or other relationships that I rely on. I think this is what I needed though, the time to focus on me. I'm headed the right way, career-wise. I can see the opportunities ahead, and I'm taking them, wherever it will take me. I do thank you everyday for everything you've done. I wished you realized that I wouldn't have made it here, without you. So if you're thinking, she has moved on so quickly without me, I haven't forgotten about you. I've simply chose to focus on me, rather than us. And I think you need to do that too. I wasn't able to give you the things you needed/wanted, and this was only wearing us down, as a person.

No matter what happens in the future regarding us, or you or me, just note, I will always forever be in debt to you for the things you've done for me. and vice-versa, i hope. But you know what? things happen for a reason.

perhaps, this was all I had to do for you, to allow you to see the world differently, and open your eyes to love instead of judgment. And all you were meant to do for me is hold my hand and teach me to walk.

we've done our deeds, and it's time for us to move on. this is my truest gut feeling. as harsh as I may sound.

I'm not to say I'm not grieving, I am, but I'm choosing to look at this in a more positive light... I hope you're doing okay, i sometimes get these urges to text you, but I know this is for the best that we both let it be. I miss you.

as always,

el

goodbye.

17. this

25th October 2010, at 9.37pm

as an artist, when you go through pain, hurt, any sort of extreme emotion, you use it, you put it into art. into good use. so here it is. words, that i will one day look back on, i never realized how important this is. to record, till i photographed. words are exactly like that, a record of the things happening now.

so make this be an official record of how i feel, my thoughts and my emotions at this exact moment.

it's been 2 years, two very hard years, i don't believe anyone knows how much we've been through but us. I'm not trying to dictate whose to blame, when everything seems to come to an end, there's always a sense of sadness, especially when those are good times, things that are hard to let go. so these are my tears, sadness, and afraid that it might not be for best because nothing in life is guaranteed. not us, not any other relationship. it's all about making the right decision for you and him, and sacrifices.

the mistakes we made, we put to rest, today. we chose to say our goodbyes, at least for now. till we work out what to do with the rest of our lives. i think loving young, is hard. it's hard when you're both so young that you yourself don't know what to do you with your own life. And if you don't even know what your future will hold, or what you want it to hold, then how can you expect someone to be in that future, that you're so uncertain of.

I'm not being cynical, just realistic. i don't think people realize how important and life changing it is when you enter into a relationship, most people go in it because they're lonely, companionship is all we crave. but think, are you willing to let yourself fall, are you willing to reveal all your flaws, and hope (and trust) they will still love you back. Are you willing to sacrifice things, to give up time(and money) for a slight chance that this would work?

I suppose, I'm trying to let myself believe that if it's meant to be, it will come back. I think this is a good thing to stick to, if it's really really love, it doesn't matter if you go separate ways now, because they'll be back. sometimes for a relationship to grow, you both need to spend time apart.

and this is what we chose to do, for now.

in my blogs, i wear my heart on my sleeve, or rather, my heart on my blog. i open this to whoever reads it, for hope they'll understand.

dearest esther,

don't be afraid to love, but also don't be afraid to let go. You know when it's time to leave, and when it is time to stay. everything happens for a reason, and it is for this reason you have to find out why. Just let it be known in time, even though it may end, you'll always come out with something new you've learnt, something positive, and to look back in the past and be able to smile instead of cry, to smile because those things happen.

as a photographer, i will have millions of pictures, that represent memories, and heartaches. it would take me a while to be able to look at those and not be sad, but i know it will stop in time.

these are just things that everyone has to go through. I think i've come a long way from breaking up, in terms of looking at it from a more positive manner, a more realistic manner.

i thank you, for everything you've done. for all the help you've given me, and for all the encouragement, and courage you've tried to put in me. I can honestly say, all the work up to now, I would have not been able to complete without you. my folios, my pictures, i can only say, i am very lucky to have you been in my life, no matter how short or how long. I'm sorry for all the hardships we've caused to each other, and that it has come to this. but i do hope you'll be happy doing all the adventures you'd hope to achieve. i do hope after all this, after everything, you'll find yourself to be happier than i could ever make you. thank you for letting me find my own way. i hope you find yours too. everything here reminds me of you. thank you for holding my hand when i couldn't walk. and for picking me up when i fall. I can find my own way now. I wouldn't have been able to be who i am today, without any of that.

as always,

with love

el

15. every man for himself.

fight or flight?

it is in our mind, embedded in us, our natural instincts. When it comes to facing your fear, or facing things that simply has to be done, what do you do? Do you stay and ride it out, or do you run and hope it never surfaces? i come from a family that shoves everything under the carpet, till it grows into this gigantic mess then it all snaps. Unfortunately it doesn't take very long for it to snap. I believed that it's good to talk through your anger, your emotions, as upset as you may be, it's good to talk it through (and perhaps hurl a few insults). It's healthy to release emotions, rather than to bottle it all up inside and never let it expose. In relationships especially, it is not good to run, or to hang up the phone simply because you're angry. What good does that do? Absolutely nothing, sure it may calm you down for that moment but it will built anger in the other person. I've fallen into this disgusting trap of running away, hanging up the phone because I simply just cannot stand talking it through anymore. It doesn't work.

I've hit an absolute massive brick wall, and I don't have the energy to climb or drill through it anymore. I'm starting to reach the point where I feel that I have to be there for myself, not for anyone else, not to depend on anyone else to be there for me. I need to fall on my own, to graze my knees and not wait for someone to put out their hand to help me up. I feel like I need independence. It is absolutely lucky that i don't drive (for others sake) because if i do, my bags would be packed, i would be gone. Someday, this is going to happen if this keeps going. I just want to leave this place, the people I know, family, so called friends, everything I have ever known, the whole familiarity, and just go.

I don't even care where I will be heading, I just need to leave.

I need to find my 'home'

13. where do we fit in

i suppose it's more of a question of do we have to 'fit in', it isn't saying that you have to conform to be place in a group, but it's more saying that, in a society that you're placed in, there is a feeling of awkward, perhaps unsure of who you really are, an identity crisis if you like.

even goths, with their displacement in society have their own group where they feel like it's normal.

i suppose, with physical appearance: its easy for us to outcast them, but when it is inside, emotional and mentally: where do you go? As a society, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeve (normally), and if someone, a stranger, has a breakdown in public: what do we do? we avoid, and watch from afar.

curious but yet we don't break that barrier of something. That emotion that we don't let others see, because it is a fear of being vulnerable, fear.

suppose it is also because, we simply do not know how to react appropriately.

photographs tell a lot, not just about the subject you shot, or about the context behind it. It also tells of the photographer behind it, whether they are confident, their thoughts when they took the photograph, (if you're a proper photographer, not one that shoots but plans... but i won't get into that)

for me, its a record of who i am, journey even.

12. mistakes are there to teach us

i find myself incredibly burden by my thoughts, i think way too much for my own mental health, it's about friendships. when i first came over to Australia, i was going through a major time of my life: where i was so self-involved with trying to cope with this new world that i chose to avoid and ignore everyone back in brunei(unconsciously or consciously, who knows?) But i think i was going through this state of mind, where i believed that no one really truly care about the matter of my whereabouts, or the state I'm in.

which explains my disappearance for two years and a bit.

i guess i figured that if i wanted to disappear and be gone forever this would be the time. No one would care, no one would find out where i was...

the reason why i was so self involved, was because i was trying to adjust to this new world,i remember feeling so incredibly lost with nothing strong to hold grasp of. there was no clear identity of who i am, but rather the decision on who you should be.

i learn to cope by changing myself, the way i speak, the way i dress, my terminology.

but somewhere along the line, it fell apart; and this identity i set up for me wasn't really me.

this makes me so incredibly aware of being a misfit.

I don't think anyone i personally know really understands this feeling, i try not to dwell on it too much but it's one of those things that you have to deal with everyday because it is right in front of you.

i suppose i should stop thinking too much, like i said too much for my own mental health.

goodnight people,

as always,

el

11. these days

it's been a while since i wrote, assignments seem to be piling up. The latest news so far, is that I've handed in my two weeks notice into work. My final day is October the 7th. A day before a two year anniversary. Life has sorta been up and down. It's been good days.. trying to find my feet, to find the right people to be friends with. sort of.

there's still a bit of adjustment period, i suppose. But all i know is that i have to keep trying. it's too hard sometimes. At the moment I'm struggling to complete my assignments; i've reverted back to polaroids. 

Home, life at home has been good. My grandmother is here, i enjoy having her around. It feels like home. tis is a good feeling. 

I feel like I haven't been to Carrical in two weeks. It's really weird but i feel so at home, when talking to Alan, or to James, especially to Conrad. Misfits in society, perhaps I'm just like them. A misfit, one that will never fit into what we deem as normal society. There's always 'something wrong' like an aura being emitted from you. 

something. 

I was introduced to this guy's work, 'Kip Fulbeck: The Hapa Project'

incredibly inspiring. Anyone, who suffers from a hybrid/split identity, should have a look at this. He photographs people, against a white background, simple honest portraits. Then he asks him to answer a question 'What are you?' Their responses are written and placed under the photograph. 

I feel a bit lost in this western society, Australia and it's educational values are so based around western ideals and themes. I get so tired of being different sometimes. Especially at uni, I'm so exhausted, I hate being here sometimes. The only thing that keeps me going is the things I'm learning, but at the same time, some lecturers are so completely closed minded (just like most of the students) 

i suppose the only way I can get over this, is to find a misfit society that i can fit into or embrace it and simply let it go....

somehow i don't see any way. 

gotta run, class has started.

as always,

el 

five

mistakes i've made in the past that i wish i never did:

1. let a boy(s) into my heart

2. gave people the benefit of doubt

3. not standing up for myself

4. not believing in my own capabilities

but most importantly, i regret trusting that you would be there when i fall. i regret relying on you so much, i regret believing that you would stand up for me when there was need to. If i did not believe you would, then perhaps i wouldn't be in so much hurt and disappointment in you.

that night, completely changed everything. It confirm everything I was suspicious of. run little boy run.

always,

el