45. days like these

are the days that makes me feel alive.

walking into Carrical today, 8 guys sitting outside, smoking, drinking. One of them realizes its me, and smiles, the rest follow. For a second, i felt accepted. like it was home. In a strange way.

I spent my valentine evening with a stranger, a lovely lady whose life was filed with abuse, hardships and unacceptance. We started talking, discovering new things we both been through, she said to me, it doesn't matter what your race is (we were talking about bullies at school) I didn't plan to stay that long but I left at 9pm. We watched the sun go down this beautiful city. She has the most amazing view from her flat. She showed me precious pictures of her children and her old family photos.

only one thing could beat this valentine evening, and that day will come in 15 months. but till now, I couldn't have thought of spending it with a better person and doing the one thing that I love.

I wish I could show you the photographs I really want to show you, but I can't because I can't let her be identified so just trust me on this, that she is the loveliest person you'll meet.

el

p.s I also helped a young blind bloke onto a train and I hopped off his stop to make sure that he got on his next train to Gippsland. Being a photographer, I can't tell you how grateful I am for my sight. I realized that people in this world are heartless bastards, who sometimes all they do is stare and don't help. Instead they rush through the world, not giving a damn about the person behind them. Makes me rather mad.

40. i'm an old man and I can see where I'm headed.

When you look back, tell me what are your regrets, but more importantly what did you learn?

Royal Botanical Gardens, Sydney.

35. Christmas

I usually have no emotion for Christmas traditions. I've been reflecting a lot on my family and its dysfunctional ways. In terms of holidays and vacations, I avoid it. For as long as I can remember, it never works out well in the end. It ends up being tiresome, exhausting and just plain uncomfortable. I spent my Christmas Eve eating dinner with my brother alone. It sounds pretty pathetic but it was actually rather enjoyable.

We talked and reflect on our past lives - we found common ground in our childhood, we laughed and we discuss future trips. It was like talking to an old friend. It felt rather strange because family is something we all take for granted, or we are too close to let ourselves feel. It's relatively easy making friends, sharing common experiences etc but when it comes to family, we get ourselves too comfortable with our daily living rather than focusing on what really matters.

I've always been close to him but we kinda drifted through life. It's always nice to know that there's at least one person in your family that you can count on. He's my shoulder to cry on when I need him.

Before I start to get all teary eyed and drifting into a different topic, my point of this was to say despite my lack of Christmas spirit, this year felt a little different. It felt nearly normal. I did the late night 24 hour Christmas shopping on the 23rd from 1am-5am. All that walking and long hours was worth it. I finally kinda understand the importance of Christmas presents - it's a gesture of affection, care, love - everything we don't say to each other packed into this one gift that I so painstakingly searched for and carefully wrapped.

Today is a good day, and i hope your Christmas is lovely too. If you're spending it alone, go out in the world and do something for yourself and for others, strangers. Make someone smile, that could be a gift to yourself. If you're spending it with family, and you all have already started arguing over nothing, appreciate that despite their flaws, they are still family - appreciate it and love. Stop to take a breath and just be grateful for living. Merry Christmas, everyone.

as always,

el

30. watch the waves roll

© EL

27. clogged up

i have once again fallen sick. Life is a bit weary, exhausting and still. My grandmother is leaving soon and I'm sad to see her go - i hope she comes back soon. Time is going too fast for my liking, i feel i should have enjoyed her a bit more but now she's going back home.

26. lets

19. and the nights are cold

it has been one of those days, it feels empty. but a bittersweet empty. It started out being frustrating, moved on swiftly to nothing, today has been a very unproductive day. I took photographs because i needed to feel like what i do is enough for me, enough to be contented. It's something I cherish, this feeling that today might have been an empty day, but days like these will always come and it will always go. At least today, i created a photograph, one that I shall never be able to capture again.

18. all things in life are...

absolutely beautiful.

life is incredible, at this moment.i want to take this feeling and run.

day 4

I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, because I feel so much relief and content, after a break from us. I wonder about you, about whether you're coping well. Sometimes I think about you, and I still cry a little, but thinking about life and it's wondrous things helps me look past this. I feel content,happy, the reasons are based on my self, not on us, or other relationships that I rely on. I think this is what I needed though, the time to focus on me. I'm headed the right way, career-wise. I can see the opportunities ahead, and I'm taking them, wherever it will take me. I do thank you everyday for everything you've done. I wished you realized that I wouldn't have made it here, without you. So if you're thinking, she has moved on so quickly without me, I haven't forgotten about you. I've simply chose to focus on me, rather than us. And I think you need to do that too. I wasn't able to give you the things you needed/wanted, and this was only wearing us down, as a person.

No matter what happens in the future regarding us, or you or me, just note, I will always forever be in debt to you for the things you've done for me. and vice-versa, i hope. But you know what? things happen for a reason.

perhaps, this was all I had to do for you, to allow you to see the world differently, and open your eyes to love instead of judgment. And all you were meant to do for me is hold my hand and teach me to walk.

we've done our deeds, and it's time for us to move on. this is my truest gut feeling. as harsh as I may sound.

I'm not to say I'm not grieving, I am, but I'm choosing to look at this in a more positive light... I hope you're doing okay, i sometimes get these urges to text you, but I know this is for the best that we both let it be. I miss you.

as always,

el

goodbye.

16. my two favourite people.

yes i consider my dog to be a person : )

15. every man for himself.

fight or flight?

it is in our mind, embedded in us, our natural instincts. When it comes to facing your fear, or facing things that simply has to be done, what do you do? Do you stay and ride it out, or do you run and hope it never surfaces? i come from a family that shoves everything under the carpet, till it grows into this gigantic mess then it all snaps. Unfortunately it doesn't take very long for it to snap. I believed that it's good to talk through your anger, your emotions, as upset as you may be, it's good to talk it through (and perhaps hurl a few insults). It's healthy to release emotions, rather than to bottle it all up inside and never let it expose. In relationships especially, it is not good to run, or to hang up the phone simply because you're angry. What good does that do? Absolutely nothing, sure it may calm you down for that moment but it will built anger in the other person. I've fallen into this disgusting trap of running away, hanging up the phone because I simply just cannot stand talking it through anymore. It doesn't work.

I've hit an absolute massive brick wall, and I don't have the energy to climb or drill through it anymore. I'm starting to reach the point where I feel that I have to be there for myself, not for anyone else, not to depend on anyone else to be there for me. I need to fall on my own, to graze my knees and not wait for someone to put out their hand to help me up. I feel like I need independence. It is absolutely lucky that i don't drive (for others sake) because if i do, my bags would be packed, i would be gone. Someday, this is going to happen if this keeps going. I just want to leave this place, the people I know, family, so called friends, everything I have ever known, the whole familiarity, and just go.

I don't even care where I will be heading, I just need to leave.

I need to find my 'home'

14. you left a mark

i'll (always) wear it proudly on my chest

three.

23 Aug 2010

i am so incredibly excited about all the opportunities in the future. This is what is coming up ahead:

September: My grandmother is coming, this is so incredibly amazing because seriously, she's the most brilliant person i know even though she does not know how to read or write, she is absolutely brilliant. PLUS, she has these incredible stories about her migrating to Malaysia from China, about her times and she's bringing her past photos for me. This is incredibly, i cannot wait to be able to just sit and talk with her.

(I plan to make her a book on her images/produce some sort of mini personal work with her)

Middle of September : Also brings the Scotch boys to the end of their writings about Carrical. (i'll explain in another post about this..) This means, i have to start doing test-prints/editing/serious shooting. My photographs are going to be made into a book with the Scotch boys writing. I can only hope my pictures contribute to their incredible writing.

October-November: Final Folio times - the usual hectic, but I feel so incredibly excited about this folio, this is different. I think this is what I'm meant to be doing, this is what I am born to do. My personal folio on Carrical will come to an end here.

November: The end of 2nd year as we know it. However, The Great victorian Bike Race is on. I volunteered with a good friend of mate, G to help with the meal plans, so we get to have free accomodation (in a tent) and free food, travelling around Victoria for 9 days in exchange for a few hours of work everyday. Incredible.

December: This is a month where the book will hopefully be published, and then there's the whole launch opening - where I am invited to talk about my work at Carrical. I hope to be able to also present my own folio there, (I have to talk to Management about this)

I hope to be able to take a quick trip (alone) somewhere, and perhaps in these summer holidays to gain my license.

I have so much more to plan, as I have another folio to produce within this time. However, I have not yet research on ideas...

----

Today is a day of great productivity. It feels great to be able to finish something off, and I feel like I'm on the right track with things. My life feels at ease;

Tomorrow is a new day: a day of greater opportunities.

I have also decided that i will have an ongoing folio: a picture book if you like of strangers I've met along my way.

i want to remember this feeling. this feeling of greatness, of confidence; like the world won't ever stop me no matter what.

i'll leave you with a picture,

el