45. days like these

are the days that makes me feel alive.

walking into Carrical today, 8 guys sitting outside, smoking, drinking. One of them realizes its me, and smiles, the rest follow. For a second, i felt accepted. like it was home. In a strange way.

I spent my valentine evening with a stranger, a lovely lady whose life was filed with abuse, hardships and unacceptance. We started talking, discovering new things we both been through, she said to me, it doesn't matter what your race is (we were talking about bullies at school) I didn't plan to stay that long but I left at 9pm. We watched the sun go down this beautiful city. She has the most amazing view from her flat. She showed me precious pictures of her children and her old family photos.

only one thing could beat this valentine evening, and that day will come in 15 months. but till now, I couldn't have thought of spending it with a better person and doing the one thing that I love.

I wish I could show you the photographs I really want to show you, but I can't because I can't let her be identified so just trust me on this, that she is the loveliest person you'll meet.

el

p.s I also helped a young blind bloke onto a train and I hopped off his stop to make sure that he got on his next train to Gippsland. Being a photographer, I can't tell you how grateful I am for my sight. I realized that people in this world are heartless bastards, who sometimes all they do is stare and don't help. Instead they rush through the world, not giving a damn about the person behind them. Makes me rather mad.

24. we are illogical,

i have no sense of why I'm writing a blog tonight - i guess i feel like I needed to say something, but the things that i have to say i wish not to share, or rather i don't feel the need to anymore. everything seems kinda futile in the end - sometimes i guess it's a good thing, that at the end of the day, everything bad that happened on this day doesn't really mean a thing in the long run. The only things that ever matter are you, your perspective, and what you choose to do with your actions and the reasons behind it.

i guess i'll add, I'm disappointed a little bit. i'm not sure in what, but i feel disappointed - actually I do know. I've been slacking off with Carrical a bit. Its been 3 weeks since I went - i should have gone today but I wasn't feeling too well. I feel guilty. I need to go back because I feel like I'm losing my purpose a little - Carrical is always a reminder of why I'm doing this, it's an amazing feeling each time but so apprehensive before hand. I hate this feeling: I've let some people down but most especially myself.

I know, technically, 2 weeks out of the three was because I had university/folio stuff due. I still feel so incredibly guilt-ridden, i guess it's because i know I can do better, I'm expected to be better, at least I feel I should be.

Some people may say I'm too harsh on myself, a week off isn't too bad, you need it to rest up etc. rest is for the weak i say.

sorry, this particular post is a ranting post. I haven't done these in a while. feel free to skip it.

I also feel a bit disappointed in others - i sometime wonder why I still ,after all this time, expected more. I really should just let you run free.

----

I'm working slowly towards my goals - these days feel so long sometimes. i feel the need to be needed regarding my photography stuff i guess.

I have to get my act together.

i wonder if someday I'll accept that the things I've achieved are enough. i don't think it would be so easy.

goodnight melbourne

el

nine.

love is simply love, when you fall too deep, and your vision is blurred, when you cannot see any future ahead, what you should do is let go.

i suppose it is like what they say, if its meant to be, he'll be back, if not, just take the lessons you learn under your wing and keep loving, keep falling...

why do we bother complicating things, it is love. it is meant to be enjoyable, meant to be shared, you are meant to have FUN sometimes, but instead you get all caught up with the dramas, with the blame, with the what nots and whose fault it is, you get so twisted up inside, so filled with confusion that you aren't able to simply enjoy love.

perhaps it is time to let go.. at least for now..

it's only love, afterall.. ? right?

we're so afraid of being alone.. we're so afraid of making a mistake, but how else are we meant to know that it was a mistake..? it's time to say goodbye.

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friday, i had a really weird but amazing day. I'm trying to figure out why I am incapable of getting along with my peers (i.e youth my age...) I spent the afternoon, with a 49 year old man who suffers from schizophrenia. We talked for hours over coffee, about everything and anything. It was incredibly enlightening. We communicated on the same level of maturity, and we connected, through our similar experiences. I'm only 19, i suppose it really isn't normal to be feel so incredibly connected to someone who is 30 years older than you..

Weird.

we have become friends, i hope this continues. I need a little intellectuality in my life, sometimes, at least to talk about the deeper and more meaningful things without being too emotionally attached. It is incredible, i wonder if it is just me, and my constant questioning, or is it just that the past few years has made me so aware of cultural differences, of.. society, i appreciate how much it has changed me and made me.. grow.

I wish everyone would stop judging and just learn to love, and not be afraid of the unknown, that some strangers could be your best friend, that all we need to do in the world is to make time to listen, and love. Stop your daily routine for once, and stop rushing. Take time to breathe, to smile at a stranger, to make conversation, to actually perhaps ask that beggar on the street what is his story. All anyone ever wants is for someone to show that they care....

incredible.

always,

el

p.s: i do apologise for lack of photographs, I'm trying to keep Carrical images away from here... it will be shown when i can :) Also, i'm running really behind my assignments.. bare with me.

four.

drawings from a smoke filled room.

title inspired by James, one of the loveliest person I met at Carrical. I guess I should explain what Carrical is.

Carrical is a Rooming House based in Hawthorn. This is a rooming house for low income people, so that they have a place to live. It currently houses 29 residents. A lot of the residents have had hard lives, majority of them having some sort of mental illness like schizophrenia, manic depression, dealt with drugs, been in prison, all sorts of walks of life. What I've come to experience is that, they are people with incredible talent, and some of them with hopeful dreams. They are people who have a kind heart, just made a wrong decision somewhere along the line, or out of nowhere; their illness changed their life. These are the people that society has learnt to avoid them, to label them or they have been banish from society because of their past, because of their history. people that gets up and fight after being knock back over and over again.

I have formed incredible friendships over the past month, they have open their hearts and their minds to me: and i have accepted it whole heartedly without any judgment. In fact, if anything, I've come to respect them for their resilient and perseverance. They inspire me to live a better life, to look into the world and embrace everything: bad or good. Everyone struggles in their walks, just some more severe than others. But to be able to overcome that, it starts with the mind. It starts with the way you see things, the way you believe.

today, Alan allowed me to photograph him, i had to persuade him a little but he allowed me in the end. I personally would like to believe he felt special that I wanted to, it is an honour to know this man, an incredible amazing honour. He allowed me to view his room and to photograph it. It is a daunting task to allow a stranger to photograph your only, own personal space in this house. Everything else belongs to someone else, they share their bathrooms/kitchen/dining area. I am in absolute awe. A brief note: Alan suffers from schizomania. He has been institutionalized for at least 25 years, on and off. He takes 12 pills everyday, that averages out to 200 pills a week. This man views the world in a positive manner, he believes that he will recover from his illness, he embraces the mental hospitals (unlike a lot of other residents I've met), he believes in the system: that the people there are there to help him.

James is another character, he draws you see. He does these intricate drawings, they're not complex, infact if anything they are simple but you can tell he has talent. He says, one day he hopes to have a gallery of his drawings, and he'll call it 'drawings from a smoke filled room' The paper is brown, and scorched with burnt smell... almost like it adds another dimension to these drawings. It's amazing, what talent. At Carrical, because it's winter: it gets cold and I tend not to wear.. enough layers. He offers me a jacket, in fact he insisted i take it. So i did. Alan offers me jackets too, in fact, Alan and James are on and off buddies for 11 years. They met a long time ago in another rooming house. Alan offered me a ride to the station today because it was raining heavily. I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I brought in some photos i took from the past few weeks - just on cheap officework prints, but they were incredibly awe, they praise them. This brings me such joy, because they were genuinely honest. They wanted prints, i shall give them prints. James is a bit of a photographer himself, used to do it in high school. I brought in my Box Brownie to show him and he was happy about that. I really truly enjoy making the tiniest difference in someone's life. Even if it is to make them genuinely happy.

I'm so incredibly grateful to God for this opportunity. It is definitely a life-changing one. My body aches from being out for the entire day, from 9am to 11.30pm. However, I can't help but feel good despite the aches and cracks. It's currently 1am, and I'm up because I'm getting my photos ready for print to show to Neil tomorrow (I'm so excited!:)) Im heading to Carrical on thursday again. I'll have stories for you then and pictures (if you're lucky)

stay tune if you're reading.

always,

el

three.

23 Aug 2010

i am so incredibly excited about all the opportunities in the future. This is what is coming up ahead:

September: My grandmother is coming, this is so incredibly amazing because seriously, she's the most brilliant person i know even though she does not know how to read or write, she is absolutely brilliant. PLUS, she has these incredible stories about her migrating to Malaysia from China, about her times and she's bringing her past photos for me. This is incredibly, i cannot wait to be able to just sit and talk with her.

(I plan to make her a book on her images/produce some sort of mini personal work with her)

Middle of September : Also brings the Scotch boys to the end of their writings about Carrical. (i'll explain in another post about this..) This means, i have to start doing test-prints/editing/serious shooting. My photographs are going to be made into a book with the Scotch boys writing. I can only hope my pictures contribute to their incredible writing.

October-November: Final Folio times - the usual hectic, but I feel so incredibly excited about this folio, this is different. I think this is what I'm meant to be doing, this is what I am born to do. My personal folio on Carrical will come to an end here.

November: The end of 2nd year as we know it. However, The Great victorian Bike Race is on. I volunteered with a good friend of mate, G to help with the meal plans, so we get to have free accomodation (in a tent) and free food, travelling around Victoria for 9 days in exchange for a few hours of work everyday. Incredible.

December: This is a month where the book will hopefully be published, and then there's the whole launch opening - where I am invited to talk about my work at Carrical. I hope to be able to also present my own folio there, (I have to talk to Management about this)

I hope to be able to take a quick trip (alone) somewhere, and perhaps in these summer holidays to gain my license.

I have so much more to plan, as I have another folio to produce within this time. However, I have not yet research on ideas...

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Today is a day of great productivity. It feels great to be able to finish something off, and I feel like I'm on the right track with things. My life feels at ease;

Tomorrow is a new day: a day of greater opportunities.

I have also decided that i will have an ongoing folio: a picture book if you like of strangers I've met along my way.

i want to remember this feeling. this feeling of greatness, of confidence; like the world won't ever stop me no matter what.

i'll leave you with a picture,

el