24. we are illogical,

i have no sense of why I'm writing a blog tonight - i guess i feel like I needed to say something, but the things that i have to say i wish not to share, or rather i don't feel the need to anymore. everything seems kinda futile in the end - sometimes i guess it's a good thing, that at the end of the day, everything bad that happened on this day doesn't really mean a thing in the long run. The only things that ever matter are you, your perspective, and what you choose to do with your actions and the reasons behind it.

i guess i'll add, I'm disappointed a little bit. i'm not sure in what, but i feel disappointed - actually I do know. I've been slacking off with Carrical a bit. Its been 3 weeks since I went - i should have gone today but I wasn't feeling too well. I feel guilty. I need to go back because I feel like I'm losing my purpose a little - Carrical is always a reminder of why I'm doing this, it's an amazing feeling each time but so apprehensive before hand. I hate this feeling: I've let some people down but most especially myself.

I know, technically, 2 weeks out of the three was because I had university/folio stuff due. I still feel so incredibly guilt-ridden, i guess it's because i know I can do better, I'm expected to be better, at least I feel I should be.

Some people may say I'm too harsh on myself, a week off isn't too bad, you need it to rest up etc. rest is for the weak i say.

sorry, this particular post is a ranting post. I haven't done these in a while. feel free to skip it.

I also feel a bit disappointed in others - i sometime wonder why I still ,after all this time, expected more. I really should just let you run free.

----

I'm working slowly towards my goals - these days feel so long sometimes. i feel the need to be needed regarding my photography stuff i guess.

I have to get my act together.

i wonder if someday I'll accept that the things I've achieved are enough. i don't think it would be so easy.

goodnight melbourne

el