49.

i have too many blogs. the end.

i wish i had clones of me to run all my errands while I stay at home and edit pictures

e

46. woes and griefs

Sorry, rant ahead. It is 1am, and I've just pretty much gone through my accounts/expenditure for the last week. It's ridiculous how much I've spent and knowing I've earn nearly 4 grand in 3 months and yet have less than 30% to show for it. Camera equipment, that's what. :( I am seriously broke. I'm bitter sometimes that people don't realize what a grief having money problems is because they have parents that pay for everything, uni fees + spending fees even. It's been so long since my mother gave me allowance let alone money to pay for necessary stuff.

Some days, I just want to sleep in all day and night and do nothing, but that's impossible. I have deadlines to meet, and I'm running so behind on sleep, and cash, it's starting to worry me a lot. I hate going out sometimes because of the money I'm spending, so I stay home and work which is also a worry because I get stressed out to the point I have to take a day off to do nothing (but then I get worked up over it because I felt like I have achieved nothing.... its a constant cycle)

Also, I'm sick of always making the effort in friendships. Fuck friendships, I don't understand why I'm upset over this. I mean, I've been through it once so why did I expect more from this person. Shrugs, whatever. Life is meant for moving on so I am going to keep going, lose friends, make more friends, etc.

at some point in my life though, I know due to my career and constant rush of deadlines and simply inconvenience, I know I will have no friends, and I need to be okay with that. I'm still on a learning curve, it's getting there. I think it's worth it for the people I do meet along the way, the people that need care and love through what I do, not for the people that come running to you as a last resort.

Okay, that's enough. Sleep for 6 hours and it's up again. what am i even doing on...

el

24. we are illogical,

i have no sense of why I'm writing a blog tonight - i guess i feel like I needed to say something, but the things that i have to say i wish not to share, or rather i don't feel the need to anymore. everything seems kinda futile in the end - sometimes i guess it's a good thing, that at the end of the day, everything bad that happened on this day doesn't really mean a thing in the long run. The only things that ever matter are you, your perspective, and what you choose to do with your actions and the reasons behind it.

i guess i'll add, I'm disappointed a little bit. i'm not sure in what, but i feel disappointed - actually I do know. I've been slacking off with Carrical a bit. Its been 3 weeks since I went - i should have gone today but I wasn't feeling too well. I feel guilty. I need to go back because I feel like I'm losing my purpose a little - Carrical is always a reminder of why I'm doing this, it's an amazing feeling each time but so apprehensive before hand. I hate this feeling: I've let some people down but most especially myself.

I know, technically, 2 weeks out of the three was because I had university/folio stuff due. I still feel so incredibly guilt-ridden, i guess it's because i know I can do better, I'm expected to be better, at least I feel I should be.

Some people may say I'm too harsh on myself, a week off isn't too bad, you need it to rest up etc. rest is for the weak i say.

sorry, this particular post is a ranting post. I haven't done these in a while. feel free to skip it.

I also feel a bit disappointed in others - i sometime wonder why I still ,after all this time, expected more. I really should just let you run free.

----

I'm working slowly towards my goals - these days feel so long sometimes. i feel the need to be needed regarding my photography stuff i guess.

I have to get my act together.

i wonder if someday I'll accept that the things I've achieved are enough. i don't think it would be so easy.

goodnight melbourne

el