46. woes and griefs

Sorry, rant ahead. It is 1am, and I've just pretty much gone through my accounts/expenditure for the last week. It's ridiculous how much I've spent and knowing I've earn nearly 4 grand in 3 months and yet have less than 30% to show for it. Camera equipment, that's what. :( I am seriously broke. I'm bitter sometimes that people don't realize what a grief having money problems is because they have parents that pay for everything, uni fees + spending fees even. It's been so long since my mother gave me allowance let alone money to pay for necessary stuff.

Some days, I just want to sleep in all day and night and do nothing, but that's impossible. I have deadlines to meet, and I'm running so behind on sleep, and cash, it's starting to worry me a lot. I hate going out sometimes because of the money I'm spending, so I stay home and work which is also a worry because I get stressed out to the point I have to take a day off to do nothing (but then I get worked up over it because I felt like I have achieved nothing.... its a constant cycle)

Also, I'm sick of always making the effort in friendships. Fuck friendships, I don't understand why I'm upset over this. I mean, I've been through it once so why did I expect more from this person. Shrugs, whatever. Life is meant for moving on so I am going to keep going, lose friends, make more friends, etc.

at some point in my life though, I know due to my career and constant rush of deadlines and simply inconvenience, I know I will have no friends, and I need to be okay with that. I'm still on a learning curve, it's getting there. I think it's worth it for the people I do meet along the way, the people that need care and love through what I do, not for the people that come running to you as a last resort.

Okay, that's enough. Sleep for 6 hours and it's up again. what am i even doing on...

el