struggle street

i'm struggling a little bit here. I haven't been getting more than 5-6 hours of interrupted sleep a night. Folio is due in 4 weeks and i haven't got a single clue of what to shoot or where or what not. I have to figure out something that's easily accessible and not lame...

I'm bit worried you know? Things have been falling apart and my mind is not resting. I've been dreaming each night (and it takes a lot out of me when I dream) My mind gets up immediately like someone turn on a switch button.

I'm worrying about things out of my control - I need to breathe and let it see through its course. But fuck, subconsciously I just wake up. it gets in my dreams, and it's going to be like this for the next 4 weeks....

its 5am and I've been awake since 4am and I only fell asleep at 1am.

I want to do good, i'm 20 but i feel like this is my time. I want to jump head in and just somehow earn money through photography........

ah fuck.

43. rain

so tonight's been a rough night. I barely ate anything today, nothing for dinner and I worked 4 hours around food. Now, it's 11.30pm, and I don't even have any appetite to eat. It's been over 8 hours since I've eaten.

The weather seems appropriate to how I feel though, wet, gloomy. rain, ugh.

goodbye.

p.s I don't care for your text messages, you're driving me up the wall. It's so inconsiderate of you to even text me and EXPECT me to carry your feelings for you. I'm not meant to anymore. I know once you read this, you're going to text me eventually. I just want to be left alone. I am going to run so far away till no one can ever find me.

42. you're my little secret

I feel at this stage in my life, I'm just a drifter. I'm drifting on my little boat, filled with my wishes, and hopes and dreams. It is all that is keeping me afloat till i reach my paradise. And when I finally do arrive there, then I will feel that I've started living.

goodnight,

El.

p.s: this contradicts my belief of living my life to the fullest each day, but my life is full of contradictions, so it fits somewhat.

38. circumstances

I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.

So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.

My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.

I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.

I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.

If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.

Always,

el

p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)

29. festive seasons and being alone

tonight, i feel a little alone. It's a different time of lonely, it's a quiet night. Silence fills this house. It surprises me how much a person contributes to its space, the environment around them. This house feels a little lost without my grandmother. There's no light here - the living room sits empty. She wasn't the loudest person, in fact, she was so quiet at times you did not realize she is around. But with her gone, there's no light, no joy, no feeling of 'home'.

if i had someone to enjoy it with, tonight would be the night i would say come, let's go for a run. let's go to the park and lay down on the grass and watch the world go by. let's sit by the bridge and watch the river flow. let's ride the trains till it hits the end of their depot.

i'm falling a bit out of my busy cycle - I'm trying to be patient and not do anything and give myself a little break. I'm itching to do things, always. Christmas is coming up, I have to say I hate these festive seasons... it's always about being together with people you loved. That's hard to do when the people you love are not around/don't exist.

I never really had a connection with my own family - sure I know they will be there to welcome me with open arms. But they are definitely not the people I would go to for help. They do not know who I am, my dreams, my wishes, my struggles. They do not understand. I think its my way of coping with being the person I am. I distance myself from them because my way of thinking and living will not be right in their eyes. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. It's a lot better now than it was before but there still no connection.

I will say this now, sometimes I wish my life was a bit simpler. It's always been complicated, and I don't mind a bit of complexity but sometimes I would just like a break from it all, I want to feel content (even if that means I be boring for a while) I want to have friends I can go have coffee with weekly, I want to be in a town I grew up in, to recognise all the streets and be able to attach a memory to them. A long term memory - a memory that means something.

I hate this. This feeling of fleeting, running, the need to change. It's because I hate being in one place for too long, I've been in Australia for coming 4 years on 26th Dec. I need to move, to travel, to be seeing new things everyday. It's so hard to do this when you're stuck in a routine.. I haven't been out of Australia for 3 years and I'm itching...

I wish my little legs could take me to the ends of the earth and back. I would walk just to escape. I want the bohemian living - the carefree. My family, my mother especially ties me down here. I get frustrated with closed minds, and it so happens that my mother won't ever see past 'her view', it's saddens me because there's so much to life that she's missing out.

I won't ever let myself fall into that. As much as I love her, I hope I be a better version of her.

i hope i will someday, find the contentment I seek.

as always,
el

28. on saying goodbye

i understand now why it is best not to see each other for a while after you break up. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would be. To be honest, I'm still hurting now. It's more of, mourning the loss of a loved one. The kind of tears that you cry when you know there's nothing you can do but say goodbye.

This is the first time I've let myself feel this, now. Being vulnerable. It's so easy to not feel when you're busy with life - the routine, the mundane. We had a sort of final date goodbye. Strange feelings, it's so easy to fall into what you have known for the past 2 years. The way his hand feels in yours, or the smell of his deodorant. His hugs and cuddles. Knowing what he is thinking just by looking at his face. His kisses. his arms around your waist. I see things a tad different too, you learn to appreciate the little things, the way he tells me to bring a jacket because it gets cold, or his way of holding me back because there might be cars ahead. It's been too long. It could have been so easy to pretend, but there was a difference between us: this lingering feeling in our hearts of what could have been but now, wasn't. We knew it couldn't have worked.

--

i keep this blog for my own unbiased thoughts. This has always been helpful in sorting out how i feel - I'm sorry to say that i know this blog isn't for my readers, it's for me. Thing is, when you talk to people(friends, family etc) about your life, the moments you're going through - you choose to leave some things in, or to exaggerate on others. You choose to pretend that you are feeling other ways, rather than this feeling. You choose to smile than to cry. It is impossible to be entirely truthful to another person. It is only natural for us to mask some things over others. It is only you, i mean only you, that knows everything you've been through, and every tiny little feelings you might be feeling right now.

Work's been good to me, provided me a way out of feeling useless and aimless. It gives me a good reason to pretend, to smile because it is part of my job. It's been a good distraction. I wonder how many customers could see past my pretentious smile.

However, it's always a good feeling to know that you've brought a (real) smile to their lives, even if it only lasts a macro second. Even if it is unappreciated, it is good to know I did my job right, as simple as it may be, it feels good that I provided them with no hassles, no grumpiness, no anger. I feel it is important to take these things seriously - not in terms of money (tips) but as a person, i should strive to be the best I can be, now, despite everything I'm working through. In the end, It makes me happy too for a macro-second knowing I made them smile. (each macro second adds up overtime)

p.s I still hate working long hours late into the night but this pulls me through. I guess I'm trying to see the little things in life, the more important issues that is, others before I.

But for now, I shall mourn. and it will be okay.

27. clogged up

i have once again fallen sick. Life is a bit weary, exhausting and still. My grandmother is leaving soon and I'm sad to see her go - i hope she comes back soon. Time is going too fast for my liking, i feel i should have enjoyed her a bit more but now she's going back home.

25. traded my friends for experiences

i was thinking today, because of my sudden departure from brunei - i left a lot of friendships behind - i basically went M.I.A literally packed up and left, without realizing how damaging this would be to myself and my friendships. I struggled with the idea of letting go, hanging on, and the inbetweens. I decided to just let it be, the friendships that are worth it will always be there - all other friends are people you come across the way and their only purpose is to provide you with something for a short amount of time and leave, they are not meant to stay, they are the kinds of people that walk in, and walk out.

And I struggled with that a lot. But now, looking back, I think I've come a long way. These things don't hurt me anymore, i don't care if people think about me, or if people miss me or if they miss my friendship with them. It doesn't matter to me because if I cared enough for them or them for me, it would happen - if it doesn't then, well, it was never right to begin with.

i don't want to be a people pleaser. i don't want to be the most popular kid in school - that takes a lot of effort not to step on people's toes.

I'm not saying that i don't appreciate the friendships I had, i have just come to terms with letting it die away. we move on and we go our separate ways. we experience different things, it's alright. i don't feel the guilt and the disappointment anymore.

I've also come to understand and appreciate because of this, my situation, i gain an undeniable amount of life experience. The things I've gone through in the ages of 16 to now has been incredible. Mentally, I think I've found my identity, my self, who I want to be and how to get there. I'm not lost anymore, I have a purpose in life and I honestly wouldn't be here if I had not gone through the things I did. Its all part of life and its lessons. It's so important to embrace it and learn from it. I guess, a lot of people can't come to terms with it. It's important to dwell on your life, and to see what aspect of your life you can change for the better. It is important to question, but as well - it is also important to be able to embrace changes, and to actually take action instead of just thinking and questioning.

We have brains to think but we also have hands to do things with.

-----

today i had an excellent interview - I hope i get this job, it would be really interesting and challenging but highly rewarding. tonight, i will let myself feel proud of the achievements I've made in my life, and I will enjoy it, and take praise from it. Tonight is a night of appreciation - it is not a night of questioning what i can do better ( i do that every other day) or the things I should have done better (again, practically every hour), it is a night where I take time to sit back and be proud of who I am and everything I've come to be.

I'm only 19. I'm only 19.

el

24. we are illogical,

i have no sense of why I'm writing a blog tonight - i guess i feel like I needed to say something, but the things that i have to say i wish not to share, or rather i don't feel the need to anymore. everything seems kinda futile in the end - sometimes i guess it's a good thing, that at the end of the day, everything bad that happened on this day doesn't really mean a thing in the long run. The only things that ever matter are you, your perspective, and what you choose to do with your actions and the reasons behind it.

i guess i'll add, I'm disappointed a little bit. i'm not sure in what, but i feel disappointed - actually I do know. I've been slacking off with Carrical a bit. Its been 3 weeks since I went - i should have gone today but I wasn't feeling too well. I feel guilty. I need to go back because I feel like I'm losing my purpose a little - Carrical is always a reminder of why I'm doing this, it's an amazing feeling each time but so apprehensive before hand. I hate this feeling: I've let some people down but most especially myself.

I know, technically, 2 weeks out of the three was because I had university/folio stuff due. I still feel so incredibly guilt-ridden, i guess it's because i know I can do better, I'm expected to be better, at least I feel I should be.

Some people may say I'm too harsh on myself, a week off isn't too bad, you need it to rest up etc. rest is for the weak i say.

sorry, this particular post is a ranting post. I haven't done these in a while. feel free to skip it.

I also feel a bit disappointed in others - i sometime wonder why I still ,after all this time, expected more. I really should just let you run free.

----

I'm working slowly towards my goals - these days feel so long sometimes. i feel the need to be needed regarding my photography stuff i guess.

I have to get my act together.

i wonder if someday I'll accept that the things I've achieved are enough. i don't think it would be so easy.

goodnight melbourne

el

23. the greatest

i realise something the other day, my greatest and most important trait is compassion. it is also my weakness, depending on the way you see the world. i am who i am because of my compassion for people. i've come to embrace it rather than reject it for being too emotional, for trying to put up a wall of what I thought was 'being strong'

but i, now see i rather cry and feel too much than be cold and unresponsive. to feel is to live. if you don't let yourself feel, be it pain, hurt, happiness, joy, or anger, then you are not alive.

el

22. days like these

are always lurking around the corner, waiting to grab you unexpectedly and drag you off with you clawing trying to get away. but in the end, you let go and accept the fact that you can't do anything about days like these.

----------

i never understood how humans can be so viciously cruel to another human being. I never understood why it is some people are just plain mean and out to get you - when there is no need to. What is the harm with speaking nicely? I wish people would understand that at the end of the day, we're all just human beings, made out of the same stuff - we should treat each other equally, nice, not rude, and hurtful. Why would you hurt another person, when you know yourself you would hate to be in that position. This is in context of a stranger to another stranger.

i have a lot of emotions - sometimes i let it get to me, i cry when it's plainly inappropriate to do so. but I do, in fact, it's rare that I don't cry at least once every few days - by cry i mean fully cry.

I'm not sure how to look at this sometimes.. It's positive, it means I can feel - emotions is important. my every being is due to this over-emotions I feel. Empathy, passion, hurt, happiness, disappointments, compassion. It's an overload. There's never really a feeling of inbetweens for me. It's either the extreme versus the other extreme.

I used to hate being this way - but I know no other way, I accept this, and I embrace it now, i rather feel too much than to not feel at all.

depression is a funny thing, it helps me to write my thoughts, it helps to evaluate life, but it brings me so down before i come to this. i seriously cried while I was on shift (work)

that's a story for another day though.

i'll get through this, it's just another day. Tomorrow is a new day - new experiences, new beginnings. I'm just going to breathe all of this in, embrace this, and let go.