25. traded my friends for experiences

i was thinking today, because of my sudden departure from brunei - i left a lot of friendships behind - i basically went M.I.A literally packed up and left, without realizing how damaging this would be to myself and my friendships. I struggled with the idea of letting go, hanging on, and the inbetweens. I decided to just let it be, the friendships that are worth it will always be there - all other friends are people you come across the way and their only purpose is to provide you with something for a short amount of time and leave, they are not meant to stay, they are the kinds of people that walk in, and walk out.

And I struggled with that a lot. But now, looking back, I think I've come a long way. These things don't hurt me anymore, i don't care if people think about me, or if people miss me or if they miss my friendship with them. It doesn't matter to me because if I cared enough for them or them for me, it would happen - if it doesn't then, well, it was never right to begin with.

i don't want to be a people pleaser. i don't want to be the most popular kid in school - that takes a lot of effort not to step on people's toes.

I'm not saying that i don't appreciate the friendships I had, i have just come to terms with letting it die away. we move on and we go our separate ways. we experience different things, it's alright. i don't feel the guilt and the disappointment anymore.

I've also come to understand and appreciate because of this, my situation, i gain an undeniable amount of life experience. The things I've gone through in the ages of 16 to now has been incredible. Mentally, I think I've found my identity, my self, who I want to be and how to get there. I'm not lost anymore, I have a purpose in life and I honestly wouldn't be here if I had not gone through the things I did. Its all part of life and its lessons. It's so important to embrace it and learn from it. I guess, a lot of people can't come to terms with it. It's important to dwell on your life, and to see what aspect of your life you can change for the better. It is important to question, but as well - it is also important to be able to embrace changes, and to actually take action instead of just thinking and questioning.

We have brains to think but we also have hands to do things with.

-----

today i had an excellent interview - I hope i get this job, it would be really interesting and challenging but highly rewarding. tonight, i will let myself feel proud of the achievements I've made in my life, and I will enjoy it, and take praise from it. Tonight is a night of appreciation - it is not a night of questioning what i can do better ( i do that every other day) or the things I should have done better (again, practically every hour), it is a night where I take time to sit back and be proud of who I am and everything I've come to be.

I'm only 19. I'm only 19.

el

24. we are illogical,

i have no sense of why I'm writing a blog tonight - i guess i feel like I needed to say something, but the things that i have to say i wish not to share, or rather i don't feel the need to anymore. everything seems kinda futile in the end - sometimes i guess it's a good thing, that at the end of the day, everything bad that happened on this day doesn't really mean a thing in the long run. The only things that ever matter are you, your perspective, and what you choose to do with your actions and the reasons behind it.

i guess i'll add, I'm disappointed a little bit. i'm not sure in what, but i feel disappointed - actually I do know. I've been slacking off with Carrical a bit. Its been 3 weeks since I went - i should have gone today but I wasn't feeling too well. I feel guilty. I need to go back because I feel like I'm losing my purpose a little - Carrical is always a reminder of why I'm doing this, it's an amazing feeling each time but so apprehensive before hand. I hate this feeling: I've let some people down but most especially myself.

I know, technically, 2 weeks out of the three was because I had university/folio stuff due. I still feel so incredibly guilt-ridden, i guess it's because i know I can do better, I'm expected to be better, at least I feel I should be.

Some people may say I'm too harsh on myself, a week off isn't too bad, you need it to rest up etc. rest is for the weak i say.

sorry, this particular post is a ranting post. I haven't done these in a while. feel free to skip it.

I also feel a bit disappointed in others - i sometime wonder why I still ,after all this time, expected more. I really should just let you run free.

----

I'm working slowly towards my goals - these days feel so long sometimes. i feel the need to be needed regarding my photography stuff i guess.

I have to get my act together.

i wonder if someday I'll accept that the things I've achieved are enough. i don't think it would be so easy.

goodnight melbourne

el

23. the greatest

i realise something the other day, my greatest and most important trait is compassion. it is also my weakness, depending on the way you see the world. i am who i am because of my compassion for people. i've come to embrace it rather than reject it for being too emotional, for trying to put up a wall of what I thought was 'being strong'

but i, now see i rather cry and feel too much than be cold and unresponsive. to feel is to live. if you don't let yourself feel, be it pain, hurt, happiness, joy, or anger, then you are not alive.

el

22. days like these

are always lurking around the corner, waiting to grab you unexpectedly and drag you off with you clawing trying to get away. but in the end, you let go and accept the fact that you can't do anything about days like these.

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i never understood how humans can be so viciously cruel to another human being. I never understood why it is some people are just plain mean and out to get you - when there is no need to. What is the harm with speaking nicely? I wish people would understand that at the end of the day, we're all just human beings, made out of the same stuff - we should treat each other equally, nice, not rude, and hurtful. Why would you hurt another person, when you know yourself you would hate to be in that position. This is in context of a stranger to another stranger.

i have a lot of emotions - sometimes i let it get to me, i cry when it's plainly inappropriate to do so. but I do, in fact, it's rare that I don't cry at least once every few days - by cry i mean fully cry.

I'm not sure how to look at this sometimes.. It's positive, it means I can feel - emotions is important. my every being is due to this over-emotions I feel. Empathy, passion, hurt, happiness, disappointments, compassion. It's an overload. There's never really a feeling of inbetweens for me. It's either the extreme versus the other extreme.

I used to hate being this way - but I know no other way, I accept this, and I embrace it now, i rather feel too much than to not feel at all.

depression is a funny thing, it helps me to write my thoughts, it helps to evaluate life, but it brings me so down before i come to this. i seriously cried while I was on shift (work)

that's a story for another day though.

i'll get through this, it's just another day. Tomorrow is a new day - new experiences, new beginnings. I'm just going to breathe all of this in, embrace this, and let go.

21. yesterday

was the first day i actually missed you.

and today is the same.

x

20. I

i know I am meant for greater things, i can feel it the future. I'm going to do some absolutely incredible, life changing, these are just days of paving stone. a transitional progress, a steep learning curve. Everyday is an opportunity to learn, there's so much knowledge that we don't know about, why not learn while we're still here. Someday, you'll see me on the front page. I can feel it. watch out world, here i come. :)

always,

el