51. best advice i can give you is

walk alone

because the people you expect to be there

when your world is falling apart

they don't give a flying fuck.

selfish by nature

everyone is.

why am i even alive

absolutely defies everything i believe in

thanks everyone

el

50. so...

I apologise for my recent half-arse attempts to blog - (refer to the two sentences in the previous 2 posts haha!)

How can I explain where I am at this particular moment in my life. The scene that surrounds me in my room is - my camera bag sitting on the ground from last night. All my power boards being used to charge up flash batteries, camera batteries. My iPhone plugged into my computer because I have no more spare outlets to charge it. 4 memory cards & a usb reader on my table side. My pretty little dress waiting to be washed - and it reeks of alcohol from Friday night.

Today - another shoot, sometimes I'm not sure why I shoot but I do anyway, as boring or mundane the job can be, I shoot anyway. I try to get something out of it, like potential make up artists that could collaborate for the future, an Indian lady wanting formal portraits for her family, etc etc. Perhaps today will let me learn something new. A community event, hm.

I have three (or four..) projects on the go at the moment. All of them kinda halted. - gaining access is a tad annoying. THis blog is dead the end lol :)

E

49.

i have too many blogs. the end.

i wish i had clones of me to run all my errands while I stay at home and edit pictures

e

48. one tiny step forward and three big steps back

exactly how i feel right now. I'm having my first breakdown due to university stress and its only 2 weeks in. This is going to be the longest year of my life.

46. woes and griefs

Sorry, rant ahead. It is 1am, and I've just pretty much gone through my accounts/expenditure for the last week. It's ridiculous how much I've spent and knowing I've earn nearly 4 grand in 3 months and yet have less than 30% to show for it. Camera equipment, that's what. :( I am seriously broke. I'm bitter sometimes that people don't realize what a grief having money problems is because they have parents that pay for everything, uni fees + spending fees even. It's been so long since my mother gave me allowance let alone money to pay for necessary stuff.

Some days, I just want to sleep in all day and night and do nothing, but that's impossible. I have deadlines to meet, and I'm running so behind on sleep, and cash, it's starting to worry me a lot. I hate going out sometimes because of the money I'm spending, so I stay home and work which is also a worry because I get stressed out to the point I have to take a day off to do nothing (but then I get worked up over it because I felt like I have achieved nothing.... its a constant cycle)

Also, I'm sick of always making the effort in friendships. Fuck friendships, I don't understand why I'm upset over this. I mean, I've been through it once so why did I expect more from this person. Shrugs, whatever. Life is meant for moving on so I am going to keep going, lose friends, make more friends, etc.

at some point in my life though, I know due to my career and constant rush of deadlines and simply inconvenience, I know I will have no friends, and I need to be okay with that. I'm still on a learning curve, it's getting there. I think it's worth it for the people I do meet along the way, the people that need care and love through what I do, not for the people that come running to you as a last resort.

Okay, that's enough. Sleep for 6 hours and it's up again. what am i even doing on...

el

45. days like these

are the days that makes me feel alive.

walking into Carrical today, 8 guys sitting outside, smoking, drinking. One of them realizes its me, and smiles, the rest follow. For a second, i felt accepted. like it was home. In a strange way.

I spent my valentine evening with a stranger, a lovely lady whose life was filed with abuse, hardships and unacceptance. We started talking, discovering new things we both been through, she said to me, it doesn't matter what your race is (we were talking about bullies at school) I didn't plan to stay that long but I left at 9pm. We watched the sun go down this beautiful city. She has the most amazing view from her flat. She showed me precious pictures of her children and her old family photos.

only one thing could beat this valentine evening, and that day will come in 15 months. but till now, I couldn't have thought of spending it with a better person and doing the one thing that I love.

I wish I could show you the photographs I really want to show you, but I can't because I can't let her be identified so just trust me on this, that she is the loveliest person you'll meet.

el

p.s I also helped a young blind bloke onto a train and I hopped off his stop to make sure that he got on his next train to Gippsland. Being a photographer, I can't tell you how grateful I am for my sight. I realized that people in this world are heartless bastards, who sometimes all they do is stare and don't help. Instead they rush through the world, not giving a damn about the person behind them. Makes me rather mad.

44. rambles

I've got two weeks left to the start of my final year. It's terrifying yet I can't wait to see what this year brings me. I feel something big is simmering slowly, I can barely wait to ride this wave, to hit that high. So far, life has been good, two months went by real quickly. Melbourne's summer this year was disappointing.

I realized today how lucky I am. I don't have to go out in the world to find my one true love, the person I want to spend forever with. Even so, life feels contented. (Though I still have several things to check off my list)

Also, I love technology :) (particularly the iphone ! )

Gotta get running for a early quick shoot!

I'll write a proper post later!

el

p.s check out what I shot last tuesday.