bittersweet

these are the things I learn constantly over and over again:

1. Never, ever, ever, in your right mind think that you can rely on another human being.

2. Be independent, completely independent. This means:-

a) don't ask for help or even organize to share responsibilities with anyone.

b) don't ever let yourself break down due to someone's else treatment of you

c) don't ever feel like it's a bad thing that you're alone.

d) keep yourself at a distance from others

e) don't fall in love, because this defies all the rules above.

in other words, be a fucking hermit and make sure you can do everything because no one else in this entire world gives a shit about what you do. whether you fail or pass. It's absolutely nothing.

The end.

54.

i am a heartless bitch.

i'm about to lose the love of my life.

i can't believe the things I do - it all seems so blurry, like a dream, a nightmare.

for some reason, I am not feeling anything.

I think it's a defense I've created.

When it would hurt so bad, I don't feel.

but i know it will come in slow steps and when it does, i fall so hard into a pity hole.

it's my fault though, it is the consequence of what I did.

i wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me. and start afresh with me.

i am such a complete idiot.

52. i feel

i feel like I'm mourning the death of something,

I'm not sure what it could possibly be but something died.

and i'm really feeling it.

its winter, it's cold.

Winter only makes me miss you more. It's going to be a harsh 6 months...

can't wait till 2011 is completely over.

51. best advice i can give you is

walk alone

because the people you expect to be there

when your world is falling apart

they don't give a flying fuck.

selfish by nature

everyone is.

why am i even alive

absolutely defies everything i believe in

thanks everyone

el

50. so...

I apologise for my recent half-arse attempts to blog - (refer to the two sentences in the previous 2 posts haha!)

How can I explain where I am at this particular moment in my life. The scene that surrounds me in my room is - my camera bag sitting on the ground from last night. All my power boards being used to charge up flash batteries, camera batteries. My iPhone plugged into my computer because I have no more spare outlets to charge it. 4 memory cards & a usb reader on my table side. My pretty little dress waiting to be washed - and it reeks of alcohol from Friday night.

Today - another shoot, sometimes I'm not sure why I shoot but I do anyway, as boring or mundane the job can be, I shoot anyway. I try to get something out of it, like potential make up artists that could collaborate for the future, an Indian lady wanting formal portraits for her family, etc etc. Perhaps today will let me learn something new. A community event, hm.

I have three (or four..) projects on the go at the moment. All of them kinda halted. - gaining access is a tad annoying. THis blog is dead the end lol :)

E

49.

i have too many blogs. the end.

i wish i had clones of me to run all my errands while I stay at home and edit pictures

e

48. one tiny step forward and three big steps back

exactly how i feel right now. I'm having my first breakdown due to university stress and its only 2 weeks in. This is going to be the longest year of my life.