42. you're my little secret

I feel at this stage in my life, I'm just a drifter. I'm drifting on my little boat, filled with my wishes, and hopes and dreams. It is all that is keeping me afloat till i reach my paradise. And when I finally do arrive there, then I will feel that I've started living.

goodnight,

El.

p.s: this contradicts my belief of living my life to the fullest each day, but my life is full of contradictions, so it fits somewhat.

41. i swear at that moment we were infinite

I apologize, dear readers, for my bitter post previously. I got a little mad at the world, at my circumstance. It's ironic because a couple days later, here I am, feeling grateful for what I have, rather than angry for what I don't have.

I complained about having unreliable friends. Today, I'm grateful for the few I do have, and for the few I am in process of making. I am grateful for my family as dysfunctional as they are. I am very happy with who I am today and this journey I am partaking.

Last night, I completed a book I have been meaning to read for a while since my childhood friend, Amelia quoted it in her blog a few years back. It's called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It is such a simple book but filled with all these amazing little things about life. It stripes everything that complicates life down to its bare naked core. It put me back in my place, in the right mindset.

Thank you Charlie for your wise words

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. " - Charlie in 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'

p.s I happen to love being a wallflower :)

40. i'm an old man and I can see where I'm headed.

When you look back, tell me what are your regrets, but more importantly what did you learn?

Royal Botanical Gardens, Sydney.

39. bittersweet

So, another year has passed. I'm twenty now. I realized today, that we are all searching for that one thing to hold on to. For some, its their faith in God, for others, it is love, career or the future. We all need something to work towards to, otherwise life would be deemed meaningless. We all need faith and hope.

--

For a twenty year old, I am unable to socialize like I used to. I don't think I can possibly explain to anyone or myself how much those 2 years in Stawell changed me. It made me reclusive, to the point I couldn't relate to anyone (of my own age). To relate to people, you need to be personal. I can't be personal. I feel like my life here in Australia is a hinder. Being a part of Australian culture, or heritage fills me with hatred and discomfort.

It's been 4 years now, I am grateful that being here provided me with so many more opportunities I couldn't have possibly had if I was in Brunei. I know however, in my heart, that no matter how long I would have lived here, Australia is a place I will never ever feel comfortable in. It will never be my home.

I'm starting to think I'm better off being a hermit. I think that is why I hate birthdays. It's more about the people you spend it with. It just so turned out that the few people I want to spend my birthday with. I couldn't because I was here in this god damn country.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter, dear readers. It is the way I've been feeling. I feel bitter and angry. I'm disappointed in the way my life is. I know it is dumb because I have a lot going for myself. I just for once, would like to have a perfect group of friends that I could chill in the backyard with some beers, enjoying the warm night and talking about nothing important (but we are all comfortable with it)

I am sick of friends who call themselves friends yet they cancel on you, or deemed you less important than their other friends. I am tired of making an effort, when to be honest, I really don't care if I am friends with you or not. (I would rather you not refer to me as being your friend)

Today(day after my birthday) was a bad day. I try very hard not to be bitter or angry at the world. At people I don't even know. I promised i would be more positive, I would take happiness from the little joys in life. It was going so well for a while. Then I crashed. It's life isn't it? One moment you could be on top of the world, and the other, stuck in a crater covered with ashes and dirt. It's about balance, I know all this. But for once for fucking God's sake, will you just let me have a perfect birthday.

--

Okay, that's enough bitterness for one weekend. It's time for a trip out of this country, I say.

38. circumstances

I am a firm believer in fate, or rather I believe that things happened because they were meant to happen. This applies to both the bad and good. I believe in grabbing opportunities when they come by, even if you're not confident, unprepared. I believe in spontaneity.

So, on Monday - I'm heading to Sydney. Although, I wouldn't really call it spontaneous, it was semi-planned for 2 weeks now. My commitment to work and life here ties me down, it allows for nothing but schedule and plans. I enjoyed the days where I could roam the streets to look for something that I would catch my breath, I would sit on a bench on a busy street just to watch people. Sometimes while waiting for the bus, I often meet interesting people. I wished I could stay and continue to chat and have the greatest conversation instead having to hop on the bus and head to work.

My point is, I believe when I look for things, it will come. I needed friends, I have found potential friends.

I am in Australia because this is where I am meant to be. I lived in Stawell, dealt with racism & culture shock because that is something I was meant to go through. I was with Jordan because I was meant to be with him at that time. We broke up because it is something that has to happen. I found Carrical because it is a place I was meant to be at. I am a photographer/photo journalist because that is who I am.

I did not realise this till now but it makes sense that I am a photographer, more specifically a photo journalist. My personality it's fleeting, I have strong empathy, attachment yet detachment. I am a traveller, I have developed strong instincts because I had to in my life. I read people and I read them well. Stawell taught me to adapt quickly and this is a trait I will take. Jordan taught me how not to depend on someone else for happiness. His family taught me to never let someone change me because they didn't like me. My mother's judgmental mind is the reason why I am her exact opposite.

If you look, you will find. This is how I found me.

Always,

el

p.s Sydney in two days. excited!!! :)