19. and the nights are cold

it has been one of those days, it feels empty. but a bittersweet empty. It started out being frustrating, moved on swiftly to nothing, today has been a very unproductive day. I took photographs because i needed to feel like what i do is enough for me, enough to be contented. It's something I cherish, this feeling that today might have been an empty day, but days like these will always come and it will always go. At least today, i created a photograph, one that I shall never be able to capture again.

18. all things in life are...

absolutely beautiful.

life is incredible, at this moment.i want to take this feeling and run.

day 4

I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, because I feel so much relief and content, after a break from us. I wonder about you, about whether you're coping well. Sometimes I think about you, and I still cry a little, but thinking about life and it's wondrous things helps me look past this. I feel content,happy, the reasons are based on my self, not on us, or other relationships that I rely on. I think this is what I needed though, the time to focus on me. I'm headed the right way, career-wise. I can see the opportunities ahead, and I'm taking them, wherever it will take me. I do thank you everyday for everything you've done. I wished you realized that I wouldn't have made it here, without you. So if you're thinking, she has moved on so quickly without me, I haven't forgotten about you. I've simply chose to focus on me, rather than us. And I think you need to do that too. I wasn't able to give you the things you needed/wanted, and this was only wearing us down, as a person.

No matter what happens in the future regarding us, or you or me, just note, I will always forever be in debt to you for the things you've done for me. and vice-versa, i hope. But you know what? things happen for a reason.

perhaps, this was all I had to do for you, to allow you to see the world differently, and open your eyes to love instead of judgment. And all you were meant to do for me is hold my hand and teach me to walk.

we've done our deeds, and it's time for us to move on. this is my truest gut feeling. as harsh as I may sound.

I'm not to say I'm not grieving, I am, but I'm choosing to look at this in a more positive light... I hope you're doing okay, i sometimes get these urges to text you, but I know this is for the best that we both let it be. I miss you.

as always,

el

goodbye.

17. this

25th October 2010, at 9.37pm

as an artist, when you go through pain, hurt, any sort of extreme emotion, you use it, you put it into art. into good use. so here it is. words, that i will one day look back on, i never realized how important this is. to record, till i photographed. words are exactly like that, a record of the things happening now.

so make this be an official record of how i feel, my thoughts and my emotions at this exact moment.

it's been 2 years, two very hard years, i don't believe anyone knows how much we've been through but us. I'm not trying to dictate whose to blame, when everything seems to come to an end, there's always a sense of sadness, especially when those are good times, things that are hard to let go. so these are my tears, sadness, and afraid that it might not be for best because nothing in life is guaranteed. not us, not any other relationship. it's all about making the right decision for you and him, and sacrifices.

the mistakes we made, we put to rest, today. we chose to say our goodbyes, at least for now. till we work out what to do with the rest of our lives. i think loving young, is hard. it's hard when you're both so young that you yourself don't know what to do you with your own life. And if you don't even know what your future will hold, or what you want it to hold, then how can you expect someone to be in that future, that you're so uncertain of.

I'm not being cynical, just realistic. i don't think people realize how important and life changing it is when you enter into a relationship, most people go in it because they're lonely, companionship is all we crave. but think, are you willing to let yourself fall, are you willing to reveal all your flaws, and hope (and trust) they will still love you back. Are you willing to sacrifice things, to give up time(and money) for a slight chance that this would work?

I suppose, I'm trying to let myself believe that if it's meant to be, it will come back. I think this is a good thing to stick to, if it's really really love, it doesn't matter if you go separate ways now, because they'll be back. sometimes for a relationship to grow, you both need to spend time apart.

and this is what we chose to do, for now.

in my blogs, i wear my heart on my sleeve, or rather, my heart on my blog. i open this to whoever reads it, for hope they'll understand.

dearest esther,

don't be afraid to love, but also don't be afraid to let go. You know when it's time to leave, and when it is time to stay. everything happens for a reason, and it is for this reason you have to find out why. Just let it be known in time, even though it may end, you'll always come out with something new you've learnt, something positive, and to look back in the past and be able to smile instead of cry, to smile because those things happen.

as a photographer, i will have millions of pictures, that represent memories, and heartaches. it would take me a while to be able to look at those and not be sad, but i know it will stop in time.

these are just things that everyone has to go through. I think i've come a long way from breaking up, in terms of looking at it from a more positive manner, a more realistic manner.

i thank you, for everything you've done. for all the help you've given me, and for all the encouragement, and courage you've tried to put in me. I can honestly say, all the work up to now, I would have not been able to complete without you. my folios, my pictures, i can only say, i am very lucky to have you been in my life, no matter how short or how long. I'm sorry for all the hardships we've caused to each other, and that it has come to this. but i do hope you'll be happy doing all the adventures you'd hope to achieve. i do hope after all this, after everything, you'll find yourself to be happier than i could ever make you. thank you for letting me find my own way. i hope you find yours too. everything here reminds me of you. thank you for holding my hand when i couldn't walk. and for picking me up when i fall. I can find my own way now. I wouldn't have been able to be who i am today, without any of that.

as always,

with love

el

16. my two favourite people.

yes i consider my dog to be a person : )

15. every man for himself.

fight or flight?

it is in our mind, embedded in us, our natural instincts. When it comes to facing your fear, or facing things that simply has to be done, what do you do? Do you stay and ride it out, or do you run and hope it never surfaces? i come from a family that shoves everything under the carpet, till it grows into this gigantic mess then it all snaps. Unfortunately it doesn't take very long for it to snap. I believed that it's good to talk through your anger, your emotions, as upset as you may be, it's good to talk it through (and perhaps hurl a few insults). It's healthy to release emotions, rather than to bottle it all up inside and never let it expose. In relationships especially, it is not good to run, or to hang up the phone simply because you're angry. What good does that do? Absolutely nothing, sure it may calm you down for that moment but it will built anger in the other person. I've fallen into this disgusting trap of running away, hanging up the phone because I simply just cannot stand talking it through anymore. It doesn't work.

I've hit an absolute massive brick wall, and I don't have the energy to climb or drill through it anymore. I'm starting to reach the point where I feel that I have to be there for myself, not for anyone else, not to depend on anyone else to be there for me. I need to fall on my own, to graze my knees and not wait for someone to put out their hand to help me up. I feel like I need independence. It is absolutely lucky that i don't drive (for others sake) because if i do, my bags would be packed, i would be gone. Someday, this is going to happen if this keeps going. I just want to leave this place, the people I know, family, so called friends, everything I have ever known, the whole familiarity, and just go.

I don't even care where I will be heading, I just need to leave.

I need to find my 'home'

14. you left a mark

i'll (always) wear it proudly on my chest

13. where do we fit in

i suppose it's more of a question of do we have to 'fit in', it isn't saying that you have to conform to be place in a group, but it's more saying that, in a society that you're placed in, there is a feeling of awkward, perhaps unsure of who you really are, an identity crisis if you like.

even goths, with their displacement in society have their own group where they feel like it's normal.

i suppose, with physical appearance: its easy for us to outcast them, but when it is inside, emotional and mentally: where do you go? As a society, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeve (normally), and if someone, a stranger, has a breakdown in public: what do we do? we avoid, and watch from afar.

curious but yet we don't break that barrier of something. That emotion that we don't let others see, because it is a fear of being vulnerable, fear.

suppose it is also because, we simply do not know how to react appropriately.

photographs tell a lot, not just about the subject you shot, or about the context behind it. It also tells of the photographer behind it, whether they are confident, their thoughts when they took the photograph, (if you're a proper photographer, not one that shoots but plans... but i won't get into that)

for me, its a record of who i am, journey even.