25/09

those lies that you told

eat you up inside

you spun them around

like a spider spins its trap

prey to predator

it's an addiction that slowly kills you 

like a bad drug you keep coming back

you inject it into your bloodstream

wanting to escape from the shadows in your mind

the trauma in your past lives

you try to run and hide by moving continents

on the move constantly

you attribute it to your aquarian sign

but you use it once again to escape your problems

in the moment you don't care about anyone but yourself

in the moment all you feel is elation, the ultimate feeling that you're alive

that your spirit isn't dead inside

that you are a part of this world - excited to be one

but when withdrawal comes, when it is time to leave

you are left to pick up the pieces once again

to hide all the lies you told 

it weighs heavier each time

it gets harder to breathe

you get stuck in this sinking mud

you don't deserve any help so why should you even ask for it (you never ask for help anyway) 

you put yourself in this place

it is your own responsibility to get out

but your only way of getting out is to escape and dig yourself a bigger hole 

and the only way you know to feel alive is to return to the lies you told. 

is there a god that can save you ? 

or did god place you here to keep making the same mistake till you finally learn the lesson?

or will you fail over and over again till you cannot return

till you don't recognize yourself in the mirror. 

and you wouldn't even dare to look yourself in the eyes

because you can't even face your own self - how can you let anyone see inside your soul? - 

what is this life you have created? is it a life you want to be in? 

do you have the courage to tell your truth? to be your own? 

nobody knows but yourself. it's time you let go. let be. to ask for what you need. 

not to push away when you do need. 

10 years on.

 i forgot this blog existed. I was searching for my old high school blog called burning-rain.blogspot.com. I wrote in that public journal everyday - about my mundane teenage life and I wanted to recall what it was like to be me, in my teens, to be her again. I wanted to feel if I've changed.

And the most ironic thing is; i read all these old posts and i can hardly remember that girl. Was she me? What happened to her? My past life is so different to the one I have now. I didn't realize this till now but when my father died, a part of me died with him. It burnt up with his body, it turn into ashes like his, irrecognisable, that same fire that burnt his physical body, that same fire left me. I thought i was capable of anything I could dream of and a part of me still believes that. But another part of me realises that not all dreams are meant to be achieved. Some dreams are just meant to be just that... dreams. fantasies. the Mirage in the desert. 

I don't know why it feels this way but it does. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so broken inside, I am so lost, I am feeling so hollow and my chest is so tight. And the weird thing is: i have everything I wanted for really... on physical paper. I have a lover of eight years that knows me more than I do myself, I have a home filled with things I thought I wanted, at least things to entertain me.. i have two dogs that love me endlessly and my days aren't too bad.. I make just enough money to survive, I'm never really left wondering if I will be able to feed myself or my family. 

So why does it feel like I'm so fuckin empty. and I don't know who I am anymore? Have I just been living a lie? Filling my life with things that I thought would make me happy, things that society says you should have by a certain age. What do I want? 

I want to feel free, to be bold, to feel like the universe is on my side and I'm capable of anything. I want to feel like I could do anything even if it means that I could die doing it. I want to still feel like I would do it despite knowing I could die. is that selfish? perhaps so. 

perhaps i'm not meant to have these things. perhaps I'm meant to have nothing to feel like I have everything. does that even make sense who knows. 

I just want one more fuckin hug with my dad. One more conversations to ask all the questions I was afraid of asking. to tell him I love him despite everything and that I am so sorry for allowing the world to cloud my love for him. 

i want to be bold to not be shy, to stop conforming to how the world views me. 

to stop reaffirming that I am that person

to set fucking boundaries and stick to it because It benefits me; when then benefits the people around me and then that the world.

to fuckin live my truth. Whatever that fucking means - even if it means I die the next day living that truth. 

where does this go or what does it mean.

home.

it's been 1.5 months since I arrived in the states. It hasn't been too exciting but i keep telling myself adventures will come when weather is warmer. It's a very strange feeling to become accustomed to another country, their views, the kind of people, games etc in a very short period of time. It's takes another 3 weeks to get over the shock/differences.. then it becomes a way of living, almost. 

in a way, it is easier to be "used" to this country but in other ways, it isn't. I'm worried about my money as it seem to be disappearing quite quickly. I miss working/earning and surviving on my own. I dislike being dependent on people. It's easier to be independent. 

I miss the people I hang with - I wouldn't really call them friends but rather I am always ensured that I can have a good time with them. Here.. it is a bit on and off. People are more pretentious and closed off.  It's bizarre, I'm used to being with travelers; the mind and life of a traveler. Work hard and definitely you play hard. 

In saying that... I really miss home. 

I thought I wouldn't though but when you're mostly alone (not counting my lover), it's kinda difficult not to think about such things.

It is also hard because everyday i feel unproductive and lazy. I'm used to working and being so busy that I don't know what to do with this free time. 

I'm trying to be content and grateful. I tell myself everyday that it is something I need to work on. 

One thing I've realized is who my "real" friends are and who are simply acquaintances. distance provides a lot of clarity. 

short hand

Being born into an asian family is sometimes a curse. One of the biggest issues is the whole family honour and "having face" This apparently applies to everything - and when you end up trying to please whoever, you end up upsetting someone. Usually, someone who has ridiculous concepts.

I had a relative who said "why you put on facebook the photos" These are posed photographs and frankly are boring and I will gain nothing out of it by putting it up. I simply placed them up there because its the easiest way for everyone to download them from.

But I don't understand why privacy is such an issue in this case. There's always a choice i.e don't tag yourself, set your privacy settings to yourself only or simply don't have facebook. Its incredibly hypocritical because as human beings we are curious to see what others is up to and with facebook, it's easier and extremely convenient. BUT yet we don't appreciate when we end up on someone elses facebook.

As a photographer, and more specifically a documentary photographer, I can't help but be offended.

I document life around for what it is; may it be beautiful, sad, happy etc. It's life and we all know life is short. What we have is photographs that last and should be documented to be remembered.


I'm struggling with figuring out who I really am or what makes me happy. or how to be happy. And I think it's with being okay with who I am - and I don't know who I am yet.

And that begins with my birth to now. I'm going through old photographs, memories, new photographs, the past the present etc...

just to have some sort of grasp and a deeper understanding... bu


I can go on and on about how this trip has affected me but for now.... I'm trying to gather my thoughts slowly. It's been too hectic around the house and the lack of personal space - I haven't had time to really think about it a lot...

but slowly.

also, leaving in kuala lumpur on friday and USA on Monday.

all my love & happy chinese new year (to whoever still reads...)

x

2013.

How funny that I disappear from blogs / life last year and I'm back again this year.

2013 started with a BANG! I was in Brunei, my childhood for the first 10 days.
Then I arrive here in Kota Kinabalu,  my birth place for 3 weeks.

Its a blur.
4 weeks into 2013.

I'm feeling a sense of shame and sadness.
I'm battling myself in my head because I feel I've let myself down.
I'm not ready to be an open book but yet, I need to be.
I'm in that hard place.

I leave tomorrow for Melaka, another place of my younger memories.

It's strange now that I'm thinking about it.
Brunei = is a place for me.
Kota Kinabalu = is a place for dad.
Melaka = is a place for mum.

Somehow these places all blended into a big blob of confusion called me.

A lot of photographs I take now are sort of things that I want to store away in my memory... It's a whole blur of nothing significant but somehow I'm hoping in the end, it will turn into some sort of project. but ultimately it's incredibly personal. I miss challenging myself in places I don't belong yet I felt the most belonging... A sense of purpose almost.

it's come to my sense that for me to be who I want to be - I need to abandon this thinking... and this fear.

 I'm afraid of what's ahead but It is something I will have to face to grow into whatever it is I shall be.

hopefully 2013 will be a more successful year......

2012.

has been a year of change. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But definitely a big impact.

#1: moving out ain't as much fun as it sounds.
     I'm not usually the kind of family person, but I miss family (a lot) They're not very far away but it's different.. Independence sucks sometimes.

#2: house-sharing.
       teaches you a lot of patience and consideration. And a whole lot of "learning to let things go just so  that the house is in peace. Also makes you take on a lot of responsibility.

#3: working full-time. (often over 40-50 hours)
   and not in a field that I liked to be - but in a field that I am good at and used to. (routine is hard to break) I am earning about $700-900 a week but money ain't what matters most.

#4: my love.
     is probably the best thing in my life right now. I can't imagine being with anyone else. i learn that the ability to hold a conversation with someone is very important. something I am grateful for. :)

#5: photography
      is something I love to do but haven't had time doing. I'm struggling between the balance of money and joy/contentment. Responsibility means the need for money. I think I'm starting to learn that I need to take risks - and not be afraid to fail...  I'm hoping travel/America will help me be more independent and less afraid of failure. I'm scared but fear is something I have to get over.

Climb a wall and get over it. It's the only way to know/feel what is on the other side rather than always wondering if the grass is greener.

#6: learning to drive (about time really)
      is easier than I expected. I knew I would love driving but I get so distracted by sights and scenes..  (and pretty lights)

#7: future.
      is something I don't know where I will be going. Some days I want to disappear but now I'm starting to realize that connections/people you know years and years are the key to success... (in the photography field)

#8: people.
     i need to be more open with people/strangers. I miss that feeling of "greatness" or the anticipation of something great and lifechanging about to happen. I wonder about everyone I had met- and promises I made and not yet fulfill.. There so much for me to do before I leave this country.

---
short reminder to do list. (2.5 MONTHS to complete everything)
1. Meet Lee (print photos)
2. Send video to Lulu/Jason
3. Send Anthology books to Neil/teachers.
4. Make Grandma's book.
5. Have a proper website *functioning well and a facebook page *
6. Future plans/projects...

71.

life is a little strange at the moment. a month into 2012 and i'm feeling a bit at loss. I think it's because i need some sort of structure and at the moment this structure does not exist. Working 3 jobs and 30-40 hours a week is tough/boring.

I'm struggling to define myself without photography. I'm not sure where I'm meant to be or who I am.

:(