34. memories in words

I spent my monday afternoon sorting through my photographs. You see, my hard drive died on me so I lost everything. I had it partially recovered - a lot of my images are damaged and I've lost the originals. My folders were gone so about 14000 photographs were put in one single folder. Sorting it out, I came across pictures I took in June. This was when I decided to go with J and his family to the Northern Territory. It was possibly the worse trip of my adulthood life. It was also, however, a learning experience. I felt (i apologise for lack of better words...) shit 70% of the time.

During that 30 days, I photographed some bits, and others I did not. I learnt how to distance myself with photography. I learnt how to escape from my situation with my camera. As a photographer, your life is in your photographs. It is little moments of your life, of your world, of how you feel. The people you are closest to become your subjects. They are a recurring face in your little projects.

I remember a few moments during that trip. I was standing on the top of this magnificent rocks, I could see the entire land, it was filled with green bushy trees, red sands. The skies were a cloudy blue. It was an amazing view. Despite what was in front of me, I had the heaviest feeling in me. I felt alone, unloved, empty. I knew that I wouldn't ever be here in this exact place so I decide to photograph despite my feelings. It is not surprising that my pictures were lacking inspiration. They were instead filled with mundane emptiness.

As much as I want to forget these moments, I can't. I've photographed them, they are forever etched into my life, into my memories. I could delete them and they will be gone forever, but I know the feeling of regret. and it is the biggest bitch you will ever meet. I will always remember that day that I did not photographed, the day that completely ruined us. I don't need a photograph to remember it, it will always hurt. It's so ironic because that evening was possibly the most beautiful end. We camped by the sea We've been travelling through desert, on roads built with red sand for a while. I remember walking down towards the sea. It was breathtaking. There were these little salt fragments you could pick up and lick. It was a clear day, the skies were so blue. You could see the horizon line, those little clouds heading to the line where the water meets land. This nightmare started as the sun went down. The sky turned purple, and the softest pink with the bluest blue. The tide started to come in, the wind cut into you. It became cold but it was beautiful.

My memory of this end is clear but blurry because I lost my glasses, you took them with you and put in your pocket. We got into an argument and I remember you walking away, no. It was you running away. I couldn't find my way back to the camp. I panicked because the sun was going down, it was nearly nightfall. I couldn't see where you went, I couldn't find my way back. I sat down the cold sand and cried. Through my tears, the rock salts appear to be like broken glass, mixed with blood. You see, we were in the centre of Australia. It was red. I remember when I picked up a heap and hold them tightly, I was disappointed that it was not glass, it did not hurt, and I was not bleeding.

I remember that feeling because at that moment, death seemed like a better option than being here on this earth. This was only the beginning of that dreaded night.

el

33. behind the lens

.. of being a photographer.

Now, I write more often than I post photographs, considering I am a photographer. The reasons being is I don't often have pictures that say what I want to say. Photography is a lot more complicated than simply snapping a picture. The thought process behind composing a photograph is what separates a photographer from a person with a camera. There are a bazillion genres of photography, not to mention styles. It is easy to capture 'pretty pictures', trust me - all you need is light, a good model and clothing. These pretty pictures are pictures we all want to look at, it is easy and pleasant to the eye but it is also forgettable. In our environment, there is so many photographic material we glance at, consciously and subconsciously. We live in a media world. With words, comes pictures.

I've been put in a situation where I had to create an image that speaks of love, happiness and joy when there was absolutely none of that to photograph. You succumb to playing a few card tricks to get that, because it is what the client asked for. They did not ask for the truth.

It always surprises me that people don't question a photograph. We assume it speaks truth, of course, now we are more aware of it because programs like Adobe Photoshop exists. However, back in the day of film, photographers do manipulate their images - we just didn't realized because it's a secret process in the darkroom, accessed to only the photographer and perhaps his assistant.

My aim in photography is to be as true as I can be. This has always posed a challenge for me because what I photograph now, as it stands before me is real, it's the truth. But, I know it will change. The moment I'm capturing in front of me is fleeting. As I take the time to watch my subjects, I decide when to push the shutter. It is this thought and decision that creates a photograph, a photograph that subjects my viewers to a certain view point.

As a future (and hopeful) documentary photographer, I can't help but input my knowledge into my photographs. I can't help but capture what I feel from my subjects. We all do this on a subconscious level. Being a photographer, you have to realize this and use it to your opportunity. It's all based on instincts. It is your instincts that lets you know when to step back and not photograph but rather immerse yourself in it. A camera can sometimes be an obstruction. You must know the people you're photographing, and gain their trust. It is this trust and bond they have with you that makes a photograph, more than a snapshot.

el