70. it's lonely down under.

2012.

an obligatory post, i suppose. 9 days into the new year and it's looking a bit strange. it's going to be a very unpredictable year - a very challenging year. and it will be a year that I'll make so many mistakes and take so many more risks and it will be a year of many many failures and hopefully some success... It will be a year for even greater growth.

it's been 9 days and somehow it feels that a month has passed by. Working countless hours 12 hour shifts 3 different jobs - haven't had much time to contemplate....

my lover is with me down under and i'm thankful for what he brings into my life. i wish we were more settled into ours but soon.

i've come to a realisation i don't like my own life so I live others using photography as my excuse, my reason but really it's all an escape...

-

it's a never ending list of doubts and uncertainty.

69. it makes no sense

this searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
we hope we hope for love
for love to somehow fill a void within us, within me.
we seek, keep our lives busy with all the mundane things
that are meant to keep us living
like food, love, relationships, a job.
within all this,
i still find zero content.
maybe for a while, maybe for a bit.
but at the end of the day, week or hour
it comes down to this.
right now right here right in this moment,
i am unhappy.

and i'm not sure how to fix it without running away
or disappearing.
without all my little fixes like alcohol, a few cigarettes.

home. where are you?

66. pondering

tomorrow (well later today) I meet with an ex heroin user (on and off) and ex prison inmate.

It's funny how I feel a little apprehensive about it but mainly okay. I'm more worried about how the conversation flows and taking photographs and how it proceeds than my danger of being in the situation.

I only really ever contemplate danger when others point it out to me. Hm. I'm not sure if that is a a good thing or not..

I try to believe that people are ultimately good. and if I'm good to them, they will be good back.

That's how I feel anyway. I'm hoping it will go well and it be a folio shoot....

I'm just fretting. I have less than 2 weeks and barely anything to show for the entire semester.

and I know i am to blame for it. Fuck depression.

also, i wonder how much danger i would push myself to get pictures...

if anything happens though, I just want to be grateful today that I do have people that care about me and love me enough to worry about me meeting with potential danger. (even if I don't care about it)

:) post later x

63.

it's time to throw myself into work... again. I found that work is a distraction. I'm hoping that least if i don't have any relationships, the success in my work will be enough.

Probably won't though.

but least it's some sort of motivation to be better than this.